Tear gas is the saddest gas.
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My wife and I use the pull-out method of birth control where we pull out our phones and ignore each other every night
New coworker: What brought you to Wyoming?
Me: I met my wife on Twitter and moved here
New CW: how did you get a woman to talk to you on Twitter?
Me: I didn’t say things like that?
I love working puzzles with my 5yo. Especially when she cries that she can’t figure out where the pieces go then yells at me when I try to help.
Let this be a lesson to everyone: If you love someone, set them free to get married and then divorced and then have a series of mid life crisis relationships and get an embarrassing back tattoo and if they come back it was meant to be
A key difference between keeping a cat & chimp as a pet, is a cat will eat your face off when you die. But chimps lack that kind of patience
It’s world hepatitis day. Spread it around.
[Chasing a fox on my bike]
ME: How is he reaching the pedals?!
“I want the box where I poop to smell like my poop or else I won’t want to poop there. Whoa whoa, not THAT much like my poop! Jesus!” – cats
Many people are shocked when they find out I’m not a good electrician.
Be grateful for those who keep your secrets.
That way you don’t have to kill them & go to prison.
I have almost 120,000 miles on my office chair.
Me: I’m in charge of the shopping cart when my wife and I go to the grocery store
Cashier: …why are you telling me this?
It’s only a tidal wave when it’s headed toward you, if it’s headed away that’s a toodle wave.
If you have a “Welcome” mat, but call the cops when you find me eating nachos on your couch in my underwear, you’re sending mixed signals
cellmate: how did you get here
me: i took the train
cellmate: no i mean what did you do
me: i just told you
I don’t want a boyfriend. Just someone to call me beautiful, love me right, and fix the clogged drain in my bathtub. Mostly the drain thing.
[teaching son to swim]
Me: get this wrong & you die
Just noticed there’s no comma in “Bed Bath & Beyond” and honestly, a bed bath would solve a lot of my problems.
Them: thanks for the anti-perspirant
Me: no sweat
*removing hair clog from drain*
Well wookiee here
12 yr. old daughter: My friend Samantha said she thinks you’re handsome.
Me: Aww. That’s cute. How about her mom? Has she said anything?
technically you’re not on fire, the fire is on you. but yes i’ll get some water
Trust me, it’s all filters and angles. I’m actually a saint bernard.
WIFE: Why do you waste money on useless things?
ME: [scraping the S and H off the side of my new School Bus] Maybe useless to you Sharon
cannibals be like “lose 20 pounds in a week” then eat your arm
My 4yo asked if I thought a robber came in the night, ate all the Halloween candy then threw the wrappers in the bin and I maintained eye contact while telling her that was the only possible explanation
“Yay Springtime” I say to the wasps busily building their nest on my patio.
Flight attendant: Attention everyone. Kenny G is on board he’s agreed to play …
Me: *jumps out of airplane*
Someone hired a sloth with a knife to murder me, he’s in my driveway, so I have 6-8 months to live
your elf on the shelf was delicious