Got a couple of real nice piles of dog shit on your lawn there. Sure would be a shame if something was to… you know, “happen” to them.
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“I farms the taters…”
“…and I mashes the taters.”
[at a job fair]
Me: Where’s the ferris wheel?
Just know that when times get tough and you see two sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when Elmo and Tracy Chapman are carrying you
I wished I loved anything as much as my wife loves inspecting the pots and pans I wash by hand.
*watching TV*
*pours bowl of Grape-Nuts*
*turns on closed captions*
No toddler in the world would ever pass a field sobriety test
Some days, I wish I had a button to restore myself to my original factory settings
Told my daughter it’s against the law to play April Fool’s Day pranks on parents so everyone back me up on this
zookeeper: have you folks seen the lions yet?
me: no, not yet!
zookeeper : ok *starts sweating* well stay calm and let someone know if you do
“Stop counting”—-me to my Visa card bill
Today from 9 to 10 AM we are having an all-hands family seminar on how to replace an empty toilet paper roll.
I hate to brag, but I just had some sizzling hot, steamy action in the shower.
(Tried to clear the drain with baking soda, vinegar and boiling water)
cooks vegan zuchinni alfredo for dinner (evolved). follows it up with fistfuls of shaved parm straight out of the tub (caveman brain)
me: this was fun
demon haunting me: this was not a date
me: text me when you get home
demon: ok
a little girl walked up to me at the grocery store calling me “mommy” and her dad came up behind her and said “no she’s at home why am i not enough” LMAOOOOOOOO
Nobody tell my Fitbit that today’s steps are coming from inside the casino.
Ever wonder why we call it a period and not that time of the paragraph?
Me: It’s not often that a single guy like me gets a home cooked meal.
Her: Why don’t you get married?
Me: I’ve never been that hungry.
*first date*
her: I can suck a golf ball through a garden hose
me: I like the sound of that
her: mmmmm oh do you now.
me: yes, I have two young kids. any chance you could suck a ham and cheese sandwich out of a dvd player?
My dog has been looking for a spot to shit since 1958.
o/ = Cheering
/o = The Scream
/o/ = Superman
_o_ = Jesus
lol = I surrender, and I’m laughing out loud about it.
My son said a bunch of disparaging things about Billy Joel and now he sleeps outside in a tent. That’ll learn him.
[11 has been working on his homework for 1 hour]
11: Guess what, there are only 3 people in the U.S. with my exact name.
Me: What class is this for?
11: I haven’t started yet.
Some say Obama is the biggest liar of all time..
I say, the person who chose the spelling of, “Colonel” is the biggest liar of all time
I think a better question is- Where’s Waldo’s parents?? That dude is constantly getting lost in large crowds…
[at work the day after wishing my life was more like a video game]
“morning brent”
morning diane *accidentally jumps instead of sitting down*
[restaurant]
me: you mind if I go to the bathroom?
date: yeah sure
me: thanks, I prefer to eat in private
I ate an entire pound of blueberries today so honestly I hope some oxidants try to step to me I’ll send them crying to their mommies
I was thirty five years old before I realized that a hamlet wasn’t an omelette with ham.