Starting a cover band called “A Book” so no one can judge us.
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Just discovered that my 5yo thinks the lyrics are “apple button jeans, boots with the brrr” and then he does a little shiver
Hold on I’m about to count my money. Alright I’m done.
If cooking blogs were tweets:
Here’s how to make really easy sugar cookies!
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I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something constructive like IS THAT WHAT YOU’RE WEARING?
Today my battery went dead on my car key so I had to manually unlock it like the pioneers did.
Ok whatever idiot taught my kids that they’re beautiful just the way they are, can you tell them they still need to bathe.
i wish my midlife crisis made me want to get a gym membership and a revenge body, but instead I’m eating snickers for breakfast in bed.
Time traveling humans are always freaked out by culture changes
If a moose time travels it probably just finds a field to frolic in moosily
My 9yo on Shark Tank:
“It’s a shirt, but look, it’s also a napkin!”
Pro tip: If your full grown kid won’t move out just tell them their Christmas gift is in the driveway and lock the door when they go look.
The alarm clock has the best job in the world. It wakes up, sends everyone to work, and goes back to sleep.
Throw away mascara that is empty???? no no no why would I do that? instead I keep them all in my makeup bag and give myself a little game of “which one of these 10 identical tubes is full?” it’s very fun and ruins every single one of my mornings
They take Opposite Day seriously here at El Sol. I love sushi/getting paid to eat, but the dead mariachi band is something of a mood-killer.
Kinda miss the Jane Austen era where a man is driven mad by a woman’s hand being ungloved & yet oblivious to her heaving bosom falling out.
What if a woman was Nunchucks?
– Inventor of Couples Figure Skating
Every time you see a snake’s shedded skin, it means it got bigger. Same with me and the 4 empty Oreo packages you find in my trash.
EMPLOYMENT AGENT: How did you get fired from your last job?
ME: I’m not going to lie, pretty easily.
*bumpes into my ex on the street
*dials a number
Hello, Satan? Dude I thought we had an agreement?!
even if i become ranked as a grand master in chess im still going to call it a horsey
Jane Fonda as bottles of hand wash.
A thread.
If your wife walks in and turns the light on while you’re staring at the ceiling, make sure you yell “My eyes!” BEFORE she starts changing
{Father & son fishing}
DAD: Son, I don’t say this nearly enough…
SON: *smiles* Yeah?
DAD: …I used to practice kissing on your Aunt Kim.
*kicks the door in*
PEOPLE DESERVE TO BE TREATED WELL AND HAVE THEIR NEEDS MET AND ALSO I’M SORRY ABOUT THE DOOR
Me: YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME!!!!
Chocolate Cake: …..
Me: Ugh.. Fine, you win.
For sale: 1 brain, only dropped once, OW, dammit, ok twice
A woman rammed her grocery cart into mine and didn’t apologize, so I followed her around the store and took things out of her cart when she wasn’t looking.
Unfortunately for Jane and Skipper, the hypnotist forgot to bring them out of the trance.
You can tell me any plot of land is an acre and I will have no choice but to believe you.
HEIST MASTERMIND: There’s laser tripwires everywhere, so be careful.
GUY WHO ALWAYS OPENS BAGS OF M&Ms WAY TOO HARD: Got it.
Shaking hands is so weird:
“Nice to meet you, have some germs and dead skin cells.”