Starting a diet is a lot like starting a lawn mower, you struggle and sweat and end up on the couch eating ice cream with your shirt off.
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Breaking Bad is my favorite documentary about what it takes to be an entrepreneur while balancing family life.
I may be small, but so is a grenade.
i used to think i was final girl material, but i’m actually the one who’s killed while frantically searching for her glasses
I’m sorry if I looked interested. You probably caught me fantasizing about bacon.
Sorry I ate your baby but you shouldn’t have wrapped it like a burrito.
I can’t believe that as a kid, I was excited about being an adult. Kids are stupid.
My husband is traveling and my 9yo wants to talk to me about our “sleeping situation” tonight. I’m never getting the bed to myself again, am I?
[while hiking I slip off the edge of a cliff but bend into a boomerang shape and fly precisely back up to my original spot and continue hiking]
Oh, to be a rat with a pancake
Here I am, block me like a hurricane.
The ice cream man is not impressed how much faster I run than children.
People keep accusing me of using the wrong words in my sentences.
It’s like everyone in my life has turned into a grandma nazi.
The Dunning-Kruger Effect is when stupid people think they’re smart. Unlike the Freddy Krueger Effect which is when your murdered in your dreams you die in real life.
The TV show Reacher answers the age-old question: what if there was a really big guy
Death: I’ve come for you.
Me: That’s what she said.
D (bursts out laughing): You get me with that one every time! Ok, see ya.
The goose: Canada’s most violent saxophone.
How to kiss:
1-open your mouth
2-wider
3-wider
4-unhinge jaw
5-summon the Dark Overlord
The emailer who threatened LA schools claims to be “a Muslim extremist.”
That’s like a student signing his report card “Timmy’s Dad.”
There are two types of people: Those who are always ten minutes early and those who think it only takes ten minutes to get anywhere, and they marry each other.
[marriage counseling]
We just don’t see eye to eye
“Because you insist on wearing that stupid pirate hat”
YOU WILL ADDRESS ME AS CAPTAIN
Them: Have you tried dieting?
Me: Have you ever tried pizza?
Nothing freaks me out like that girl w/the purple bra yelling “Hey those are MY panties!” Finders keepers lady.
[Me]: “I have hat-like reflexes”
[You]: Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
[Me]: *sitting on top of your head* “Nope”
I come from a long line of idiots. One of my ancestors was stabbed to death by his fellow Greeks for shouting ‘Brojan Horse amirite’ while waiting inside to ambush Troy.
Only 50 more days til we find out who’s our next President! Last time I was nauseous 50 days straight, at least I got a baby out of it!
My body is telling me to go to sleep but my brain knows that there are Oreos in the pantry.
If you’re worried about the birth rate then venmo me $400,000 and I will have a child
If I could time-travel, forget killing baby Hitler. I’d go back to use every come back I ever thought of 10 minutes too late.
me: i can’t believe you cheated on me
him: phew! I was worried you’d believe it
[furious with son]
wife: what happened?
me: he talks back to me and is insulting me in Spanish
[son from room] yolo isn’t spanish
me: ya see