Starting a diet is a lot like starting a lawn mower, you struggle and sweat and end up on the couch eating ice cream with your shirt off.
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My wife’s favorite position was cat style. She’d sit 3 feet away from me. No matter how many times I called her, she wouldn’t come near me
God: the quarterly meeting of 2020 will come to order
Satan: under new business please add timing to release 4th horseman of the apocalypse
G: this is the last time I bet with you on the winner of Dancing with the Stars
S: LOL
G: LOL
the hardest part about boxing is not falling in love with your opponent when he hugs you
I listen to Ed Sheeran in the same way I stuff an entire cupcake in my mouth over the sink hoping no one will see.
How dare you look down on me, judging me with your judgy eyes and your judgy attitude and…
Attorney: my client means, “not guilty”
Him: Hi
Me: I bet you say that to all the girls
My dad wrote me an unusually sweet and detailed text about how proud he is of me and my accomplishments and it’s so nice to see that even at his age he’s learned how to use ChatGPT
When Sting dies I’m calling him Stung.
Me: I love my friends. Their interests? Incredible. Their tastes? Impeccable. I would die for them. If there’s a single thing they asked of me I literally could not possibly hesitate
Friend: Hey check out this cool song
Me: Haha cool maybe
Ouija™ board by Milton Bradley – because if anyone can bridge the gap between the living and the dead, it’s the folks who brought you Hungry Hungry Hippos.
mom: brush your teeth and put on your pajamas
me: mom i’m a grown man. i don’t need u telling me how to get ready for story time.
*brings ramen noodles to your cookout*
If you like more than one type of pasta does that make you bilinguini?
1920’s: Women were fighting for equality and the poor were suffering while the rich prospered at their expense.
2020’s: Women are fighting for equality and the poor are suffering while the rich prosper at their expense but we have the Internet now.
Me: [gets coffee]
News: [election updates]
Me: [adds vodka to coffee]
Society: Dance like no ones watching.
Also society: Records it for everyone to see.
I bought a pregnancy test so the cashier who always serves me when I’m by myself in my pjs, buying ice-cream & chips, thinks I have sex.
To gangs that carve their names into public toilet seats:
A) Why?
B) Haha, you touched a public toilet seat.
“Chest, chest, chest and chest, chest and chest” – T-Rex singing “Head, shoulders, knees and toes”.
I’m so dehydrated I could dry out a phone faster than a bowl of rice.
I hope people don’t turn against my comics after they find out about my extreme religious views (belief that only Italians get into heaven)
interviewer: describe your hero
me: I needed to borrow space in a friend’s freezer but it was full so she ate enough food to make room
I just texted a friend a super hilarious meme and all he did was give it a thumbs up. I’ve never been more angry.
If you steal my identity you better believe that it comes with 4 kids.
I think those 5G masts are emitting invisible waves that make people more susceptible to conspiracy theories.
If you feel yourself getting bored because you’ve spent too much of your day in bed, just roll to the other side. It’s like a fresh start
Watching holiday movies as a kid gave me the impression that as an adult I’ll forget my kid at home or have to drive in a halfway burned down car to get where I’m going.
I think the hot dog eating competition should award me extra points for not blinking during the event.
No son, you can’t go out with your friends. Tonight we’re installing Windows Updates, as a family.
Me, as a surgeon: Nurse, give me 50 CCs of the thing from the thing. Stat.
Nurse: The what?
Me: Just do it, ok.