Starting a new job today.
I’m not sure what company, but it’s wherever this lady with the giant box of donuts is going.
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My house has been so messy lately, I’m making myself watch Hoarders to motivate me to clean it so I don’t end up starring in an episode.
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
[creation]
GOD: So how do you like the flying?
PENGUIN: Meh it’s no big deal
GOD: Oh is that right
PSA: If you end your meeting early, you let the people go. you don’t say “lets use this extra time to chat and catch up”. i don’t want to, kevin. i want to not be here.
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
Nothing guarantees running into someone you know in public better than looking like a feral animal on two hours of sleep.
Life is what happens to you when your wifi stops.
Personal trainer said we’re going to try some dips today.
I brought hot salsa and tangy cheese. He hates me.
Life is too short. Reach out to one of your enemies and tell them that you still hate them.
in a really good place right now!! (ordered something off the sandwich menu and it turned out to be a “toast” and i almost started crying)
So you think the sloth is the slowest land mammal in the world? Let me introduce you to my 4 year old when he needs to get ready for bed
[first day in a hair band]
Singer: you’re bald
Me: yes, I lied on my resume
Life can change in an instant. Hug the people you love, and appreciate what you have, before it’s gone.
My neck, my back. My pizza and my snacks.
Me: Why’d my bill go up?
AT&T: u got rid of ur land-line
M: But it should cost less if I have fewer services.
AT&T: And we threw in a donkey
M: I don’t want a donkey.
AT&T: Donkey removal is an extra $50
Next time you’re on a date and someone asks “Is that your boyfriend or your brother?” smile really creepy and whisper “Both”.
I’m looking for a structural engineer to place my house atop a giant pair of chicken legs so when the weather forecast is bad my house can just run away to somewhere more pleasant
My husband is grocery shopping so I’m using my phone tracker app to make sure I stay out of the house long enough for him to get home and put the groceries away.
You gotta admit that humans are the ultimate #1 lifeform because we’re essentially half mermaid but we also have legs for kicking and stuff.
I’m learning that a large percentage of my students believe they could talk their way out of being sent to a concentration camp.
[first day as a 911 operator]
guy: send help oh god the building is collapsing!
me: you’re kinda stressing me out tbh
Yes the weather in Iowa is bad, but the options are worse
one time for the fourth of july my dad pushed a volkswagen van filled with pop rocks into a motel pool filled with rc cola & recreated the blast that killed the dinosaurs
“I’m tired.”
– Beat Cop
I bought a second scale to weigh my first scale so I can show it how it feels.
[4:30am]
ME: *shifts slightly in bed*
DOG: *races across house* IS IT TIME TO GO OUT NOW?
Some are mad Trump won.
Others are mad that the anti-Trumps are mad.
I’m mad that you open up a new bag of chips and it’s only 1/3 full.
You can never really *own* earbuds. You just have to appreciate the time you had together
Got banned for life from rap battling for repeated use of the word dingus.
Been playing hide n’ seek with my niece and nephew for the last three hours. I guess I should get off twitter and go and look for them now.