Starting my diet and training tomorrow; hope I can count on your support and prayers that I die in my sleep. Please RT.
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THE GIRL SCOUTS ANNOUNCED A NEW COOKIE NAMED RASPBERRY RALLY AND IF THEY THINK THEY’RE GOING TO GET ME TO BUY MORE OF THEIR UNHEALTHY, FATTENING COOKIES TO RUIN MY DIET, I’ll take 25 boxes please.
I like that Linkin Park song where the guy suddenly screams.
[Dog office]
Dog 1: excuse me this is my desk – I pissed on it so..
Dog 2: I just pissed higher on it
D1: son of a
D2: SON OF A WHAT, DAVID?
Crap, I hate good-bye kisses. I think that I may have used too much tongue with my mother-in-law.
My uncle used to bet me a root beer that I couldn’t sit quietly in the car in the casino parking lot. I ALWAYS won lmao
They say you shouldn’t eat right before bed so now I just wait until I’m in bed.
“I’m so sorry”
“No, I’m really sorry”
“No, I’m even sorrier than you”
“No, I’m the sorriest ever!”
*mutual hug*
-Canadian rap battle
Cop: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: Sorry, no, I fell asleep. Did I win?
Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.
The cat knocked over my coffee in the home office this morning and I’ve reported her to HR. In other news, HR has hired my cat.
“I’ve made my point.” -good worker at a pencil factory
[Restaurant]
Me *has a sip and nods at date* yes, that’s fine, we’ll have a bottleWaiter: One ketchup coming up
[Getting chased by cops after heist]
Me: Damn, I can’t shake ’em. It’s like they’re one step ahead of us.
Partner: STOP USING YOUR BLINKER
pir·ou·ette – /ˌpirəˈwet/ (noun)
1) An act of spinning on one foot
2) A tiny gay pirate
[first day as a police sketch artist]
ME: I hope for your sake you were attacked by a stick figure.
“My great-grandma went to jail for making moonshine” was probably not the family history topic my son’s teacher expected.
People who text me, “OMG GUESS WHAT?,” vastly overestimate my level of interest in anything they have to say.
every day new twt alternatives pop up and then i look away for an hour and everyone is like btw krungle steals from artists for ai and btw ive already deleted my fringle account for reasons obvious cause youre out of the loop but dont sign up cause that also deletes your quorble
My resume says, “Gimme a job,” and I’ve had four recruiters reach out because I was so direct.
i won’t rest until we get a netflix category where we can be on our phones and still understand the plot.
Me: I’m going to have a shower
3: I’ll give you two minutes
All of these time capsules I just dug up have bodies in them?
I refuse to wear a mask into the store. “Ma’am, we can’t let you in here,” one of the associates explains. I storm off in a huff. The year is 2005, and I am once again too ugly to buy cream cheese
5: Wait, chicken we eat is from DEAD CHICKENS?
Me: Well, yes.
5: So Chicken McNuggets used to be part of REAL CHICKENS?
Me: Well, no.
Who teaches the chickens to fry a steak?
[God creating me]
And then we sprinkle in just a touch of anxiety
[the lid pops off and the whole jar spills in]
[God shrugs] He’ll be fine
Think about it – every single corpse on Mt. Everest was once a highly motivated person.
Stay lazy my friends.
Find a penny, pick it up. All day long you’ll wtf, that thing is filthy. Wash your hands immediately.
Plot twist
*Where do YOU see ME in 5 years..
Her: Hi! How’ve you been?
Me: Great! You?
Her: So good! Family?
Me: Great! Yours?
Her: Good!
Me: Let’s catch up soon.
Her: Definitely! Call me.Husband: Who was that?
Me: I have no idea.