The only real certainties are death, taxes, & people who haven’t seen each other in forever, blocking whatever you need in the store.
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Me: Will you please just SHUT UP!
Brain: Well damn, don’t come running to me when you forget how to spell CAT.
This new diet is awesome: I can eat all the donuts I want and die happy.
Ugh, I drank all this tea to help me sleep, but I just keep going to the bathroom… *checks label* oh no! Celestial Seasonings Peepeetime Tea?!
Interviewer: “Are you comfortable staring at a computer screen eight hours a day?”
Me: *looks up from phone*
“What?”
In a parallel universe, there’s a grandma hiding in a wolf’s den, dressed up as a wolf waiting for its cub to return so she can eat it
they’re trying to stop me from entering the movie theater with my spoon and a half a watermelon.
People say I’m half naked when I’m 12% dressed because they’re bad at math
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
me: [letting dog lick my face]
wife: that’s disgusting
me: [squirting shampoo into my hand] you’re the one who used all the hot water linda
People who write “loosing” when they mean “losing” need to get loost.
Not sure what I did wrong to get targeted ads for pants with underwear sewn in.
I’m doing it doggy style today. Lying on the couch not doing a damn thing. I will bark if you knock on the door.
I like to drink while I clean and that’s how I found out what Febreze tastes like.
you want me to trust my instincts. the thing that convinced me to dye my hair black that one time
My friend likes going out.Recently he went out of his mind.
Getting arrested must suck! Not only do you get arrested, you have to make a phone call!!
If I knew how to pull a rabbit out of a hat I would never stop. Rabbits are great.
Sometimes i think my life sucks. Then i look at the lives of others. Then it hits me. My life does suck!!
Aziz Ansari dancing in the video for “Otis” is me at every wedding I’ve ever been to.
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
“WHAT?! YOU NEVER TOLD ME!”
– My 7yo, hearing he has a middle name for the millionth time.
Me: Ok kids, vacation time!!
Kids: Yay!
M: See you in a week!
*slams door*Kids: …
According to the scale at my gym, all I’ve lost so far is 300 dollars.
Pro Tip: Always put your keys away in the last place you’d look, then look there first.
what i mean when i say i’m rolling myself a fat one
I’m in a really bad place right now*
*in my neighbor’s driveway “stealing” my doordash that was delivered to the wrong house
Which cellphone carrier drops the most calls? I need to get one for my mom.
I can see the appeal of golf, the only sport where the winner is the one who does the least.
from now on, if you email me about a deadline i missed, i am just adding you to a thread with everyone else i owe work. y’all can fight it out over who i’ve disappointed most urgently, i’ll be over here breathing into a paper bag erratically