When ever a girl wears a shirt saying ‘I Woke Up Like This’ I resist the urge to say I’m sorry about that.
You Might Also Like
[going 75 mph on the freeway with only forests on both sides of the road]
my phone: I found nine wi-fi connections to HP printers.
*bark*
“What’s that Lassie?”
*bark bark*
“Timmy’s stuck in a loveless marriage with an overly critical wife?”
*bark*
“Ooh, dinnertime.”
Couldn鈥檛 think of the word unscented so I said unflavored smell.
HR: People are complaining that you find ways to appear superior to them.
[chair elevated to highest position]
Me: That鈥檚 just ridiculous.
Memes like this are the reason I still use social media.
If I can hear you chew, I have fantasized about your death.
Why don’t you get back in your little car with lights and pull over someone who cares.
WIFE: I just read that men are five times more likely to be struck by lightning than women.
ME *on the roof in my He-Man costume with my sword* BY THE POWER OF GRAYSKULL WHAT HONEY?
I can never eat just one Christmas ornament
The best way to get the woman of your dreams is to comment “gorgeous” on a minimum of 52 of her selfies.
My husband coughing the moment I got the baby to sleep is why spouses are the number one suspect in homicide cases.
Me at 1 day pregnant: omg the baby is craving a vacation in the south of France
“I have toddler-like reflexes.”
“Don’t you mean cat-like–?”
*laughs, cries, falls on face, eats Cheerio off the floor*
“No.”
HER:He doesn’t trust me.
THERAPIST:How so?
HER:He’s always spying on me.
ME (dressed as Therapist):Really?
THERAPIST:WTF
HER:WTF
ME:WTF
When I grow up, I want to be 16
Don鈥檛 watch nature documentaries with me unless you want more information than the narration provides.
Lent is a holiday invented by the banks to sell more loans
I hope my company doesn’t馃槀馃槀
[INTERVIEW]
HR: What are your strengths?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
HR: Wow-Weaknesses?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
Me: Scientists have discovered a nearly 900,000,000 year-old fossil.
Child: Was it the skeleton of your childhood pet?
Me: Things like this are why no one likes children.
My therapist says I need to overcome “shame-based” thinking but if it wasn’t for shame I don’t think I’d get a damn thing done around here.
Top Seven Bacon for Breaking:
7. Bacon point
6. Bacon even
5. Bacon Benjamin
4. Bacon my heart
3. Bacon Bad
2. Bacon the law
1. Bacon wind
If you ever see me sleeping with one leg sticking out from under the blanket please don’t cover it back up, that’s my climate control system
Sorry I’m late, I was waiving my hands at a paper towel dispenser that turned out to not be automatic.
Fortune Cookie:
For healthy looking skin, don’t get eaten by a bear.
I’m sorry you think my tweets are shitty. You probably shouldn’t have inspired them.
It only looks like my kids are having popsicles for breakfast, Brenda, those are clearly frozen smoothies
Can鈥檛 feed an old dog new Trix.
Trix are for kids.
K1: Frankincence
K2: Myrrh
K3: Gold
K1 & K2: WHAT?
K3: Gold
K1: We said 拢20 each!
K3: I..
K1: I hate you
K3: Wrap it from all of us?
I always carry a knife w me in case i run into someone w 10,000 spoons.