Starting to miss the kids after 5 days at grandma’s, so I wistfully dumped a bin of toys on the floor and sprinkled crumbs on the couch.
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MAGICIAN: Now the woman is in the box, I will saw her in half!
EVERYONE: *gasps*
ME *whispers to wife* ok you were right, a magician at a funeral is weird
I found my husband’s shirt in the dishwasher & his beer mug in the hamper, but the details of this caper have yet to emerge.
Kids: Mom, what happened to our college fund?
Me: Avocados.
All set.
I would follow a stranger into a dark alley if they promised me potato wedges
My youngest daughter is blowing relentlessly on a recorder
So you can understand what level of stabby I am right now
5yo: Dad, if you make me take a bath I will scream and yell and cry, and then you will have to give me a consequence. You don’t want me to have a consequence do you?
How scared do I need to be for this kid’s teenage years
My bf bought a kazoo and in unrelated news he can’t find it for some reason..
When my wife sends me to the grocery store solo with a specific list I am not allowed to improvise. That was made clear when I got home.
Real friends send everyone different addresses for your intervention.
Dracula is never rebooted, merely revamped
taking June’s advice to heart
I saved a ton of money on a security system by hanging a bunch of shitty wind chimes through out my house.
I WILL NEVER STOP BEING A QUITTER!
My wife thinks it’s weird how much I stare at my phone now but it was probably even weirder when I was a kid just staring at the landline all day
Friend: I wish this candy bar had less calories.
Me: Let me see it…
*eats half and hands it back*
…wish granted.
The worst part about “Friends” being canceled is that I’ve now been stuck with Rachel’s last haircut since 2004.
Freak out your neighbors by removing one member of their stick figure decal family each night.
Crunching numbers would be a lot more fun if they made little potato chip sounds after each equation.
he looks like the detective in a TV mystery series who’s been drinking a bit much since his wife died but always gets his man
Born to Do Math
#GeekySongsAndShows
So Ive started a sarcasm club.
It would mean the world to me if you joined.
I try to avoid things that make me fat, like scales, mirrors, and photographs.
scientist: this machine erases your bad memories instantly. any volunteers?
me: i’ll give it a go
scientist: but you were just here yesterday
me: i’ve made some bad life choices since then
Robber *gun to my head* sign in to your account
Me *wiping tears* I can’t remember my password
Robber: Ask for a hint. And if you cry again, I’ll shoot
Me: ok ok
Computer: What was the name of your first dog?
Me: oh no
*eating freshly baked cookies*
4: I want lots more!
Me: you’ve had a lot already… I don’t want you to get a stomachache
4: but *I* want a stomachache!!!
I can always tell, after reading the first page, if a script has, at least, two pages.
[orders 2,000 Big Macs thinking I’ll only have to tell my mom ‘I love her’ for them]
Cashier: that’ll be $5,364.32
Me: shit
is he attractive or did he just reply to your message with full sentences in a timely manner
Pro tip: If you eat your sandwich in line you don’t have to pay for it.