@jonnysun: starting to realize that maybe the only reason i go to see movies in theaters is so i dont hav to face my reflection during dimly lit scenes
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@JennyJohnsonHi5: Don't forget to celebrate Columbus Day by moving in to someone else's house and telling everyone it's yours, then closing the post office.
@Jebo_te_patak: You say tomato, I say that's a weird thing to say for no reason. We were just sitting here quietly, and you're all "tomato." You can leave.
@Jeffro_: I get high before I get my Drivers License pic taken. That way I look normal if I'm pulled over.
@TheWadest: *requests Uber* *climbs in backseat* Uber driver: "Where to?" Me: "oh, nowhere. I just don't like to change my diaper in the street."