@Jaywoo74: Starting to think my wife might have a tumor. She's had a headache for the past 15 years.
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@botandy: 9 out of 10 archaeologists agree, the 10th one should not have uttered incantations to unlock the cursed bonds holding that Sumerian daemon
@ThaJawn: 911: What's your emergency? Me: Someone is eating pineapple on pizza! 911: That's- Me: PUT THE PIZZA DOWN, KAREN! THE COPS ARE ON THEIR WAY!
@professorkiosk: Me: Try to make a sandwich while doing a handstand. Genie: That's not really a wish, you know. Me: I said handstandwich!