@Jaywoo74: Starting to think my wife might have a tumor. She's had a headache for the past 15 years.
@kadyngriffiths: One person gets an idiom wrong and it spreads like wildflower
@Eightinchgoat: Her: I LOVE your beard!
Me: Thanks, yours is coming in nicely, too!
Flirting with women my age is hard, guys.
@birbigs: Eat local. Your neighbor's food.
@FuckabillyRex: Driving around picking up hitchhikers until I find one that's feeling murdery.
@dafloydsta: ME: Hey they're playing our song.
HER: This isn't our song.
ME: [turning up "Go Your Own Way"] Yes it is, Karen. I want a divorce.