@Jaywoo74: Starting to think my wife might have a tumor. She's had a headache for the past 15 years.
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@Jamie1947: *talking into the phone, loudly enough that I know those ladies can hear me* WHATS THAT? MY SPACESHIP IS READY? GREAT, THANKS BARACK. OBAMA.
@Jeffwni: - "I love Beyoncé... - Whatever floats your boat dude. - No, you're thinking of 'buoyancy'. - …"
@UnicornSyrup: To avoid being eaten by zombies, go to Settings / Home Invasion Settings / Cannibalism / Brains, and then uncheck the "tasty" box.
@sixthformpoet: If you watch Twitter backwards, it's about millions of socially-awkward people gradually learning how to survive in the real world.