Starting to think North Korea just really hates the ocean.
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My younger co-workers were all watching a reel about flowbee and debating whether it was real or not so to be a part of the cool crowd convo I was like “I remember those!” and anyway that is not how you do that in case anyone was wondering.
Missing those days when “hemorrhoids” was just a challenging word to spell.
I’m bisexual, but I don’t currently have a boyfriend or a girlfriend.
You could say I’m on stand-bi.
I’ve watched this 19 times this morning.
The CEO of IKEA has been elected the Prime Minister of Sweden…He’s currently assembling his cabinet.
Delivery Instructions: “Please, deliver the pizza like normal, but as you walk back to your car, slowly turn back and say, ‘Hey kid! You did alright out there tonight. Your father would have been proud’.”
I’ve gained 20lbs since the election. If Trump stays in office much longer I’ll have to chain myself to a girl in a gold bikini.
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
*stares into wormhole*
Whoa man, cool.
*gets slapped by worm*
Pervert!
*worm wiggles away*
Do I like to live dangerously?
I wrote this without my glasses on so what do you thick
wife: omg what are you doing?
me: wrapping presents
wife:
me:
wife: IS THAT ALUMINUM FOIL?!
[immigration hall]
Agent: are you traveling for business or pleasure?
Me, after flying 8 hours for revenge: both
You hear about that roman ruler who found the fountain of youth? Emperor constant teen.
Person: how does writing work?
Writer: well you type & you delete. You rethink. Then you do 187 min of research & correct it. You reread & wonder if you have a grasp of English. Then you revise
Person: then you’re done with the book?
Writer: then you move to the next sentence
You name it, my mother knows somebody who died of it.
Ok, so maybe the best time to break the news about how many years of school there are was NOT after a rough day at kindergarten.
My kid asked me to hold her candy, took one look at my excited face and decided she should hold onto it instead, which was definitely the right call.
If I insisted on getting my kids to bed by 7:00 every night, I’d have to start their bedtime routine just after breakfast.
HBO login: password must contain at least 8 characters, a number, an emoji, your college roommate’s maiden name, and a hieroglyph.
ATM: just any 4 numbers.
Saw some turkeys and immediately thought of you.
People who think getting friendzoned is bad have clearly never been Autozoned.
Is my boss trying to pronounce “charcuterie” or are they genuinely having a stroke? More at 11
“STOP IT STOP IT. CUT. THIS IS ALL WRONG” I scream at my cats dressed like vampires. “This is NOTHING like Twilight!!”
My wife and I met at a ‘Make a Jelly in the Shape of a US President’ class, and I knew she was the one, from the moment I set Eisenhower.
ME: so this is what it sounds like when doves cry
SUBWAY GUY: all I said was we were out of meatballs
[In Bed]
Her: You feeling spicy tonight?
Me: Imma be honest. At best I’m a Honey BBQ on the Buffalo Wild Wings chart.
The ‘theme’ of every theme park is the need for more effective birth control.
Mother, may I invite the aliens over for dinner?