Starting to think North Korea just really hates the ocean.
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My wife says I’m a clueless idiot.
I didn’t even know I had a wife.
Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I’m halfway through my fish burger & I realize, Oh my God…I could be eating a slow learner.
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
Judging by the way my kids raced to see who could chug their chocolate milk the fastest at the dinner table, I’d have to say they are never, ever going to be allowed at a keg party.
here’s the problem with fruit: it’s inconsistent. some apples are delicious, some taste bad. sometimes blueberries are great, sometimes they are disgusting. you know what’s the same every time? doritos
He said: We can’t go away on vacation and leave your mug in the sink. The kitchen isn’t clean if there are dishes in the sink.
~ a few weeks later ~
I said: You can’t go off to work and leave your hair in the sink. The bathroom isn’t clean if there are whiskers in the sink.
Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
Her: Going out with the girls.
Me: Please give my best to the coven.
Her:
Me: Did I say that out loud?
Before YouTube, people had to travel to music video shoots to argue about Hitler
Boy. A zombie outbreak sure could get a solid foothold on a day like today, with all this tomfoolery and whatnot. Be safe out there, guys.
I bought the off-brand toilet cleaner. I don’t think my toilets can taste the difference.
Conversations get real after midnight.
11:59 pm – “I love ramen noodles”
12:01am – “I feel like I can trust you. I killed a man once”
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No, I have a bunch more stuff to get, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
Website: Make a password
Me: Ok
Website: Make it STRONGER so you don’t get HACKED
Me: Wow alright
Website: Damn that’s a strong password
[1 Week Later]
Website: You got hacked
Me: But my password was so strong
Website: Yeah the whole site got hacked. Our bad
Me: pew pew…pew pew pew
Guy at next urinal: Please stop
I eat children for a living
You what?
I said I feed children
Oh haha thought you sa-
TO MY MOUTH
My wife: I know it’s cold but I want to go for a walk
Me: *takes wife’s hand in mine* Be safe out there…I’ll watch the kids
LOGIC: Obviously, the end of the week is the “weekend”
CALENDARS:
What if I offe
red you ano
ther idea of what “week
end” means?
Are you alone? Afraid? Lonely? Then you’d better turn up the TV because I just heard a noise
I was chuckling at all the old men in the parking lot, waiting for the store to open. Then I realized, WAIT, I AM AN OLD MAN SITTING IN THE PARKING LOT WAITING FOR THE STORE TO OPEN
Them: hey, you coming for drinks after work?
Me:…
You say jump I say how high. You say run I say how fast. You say lets hang out I say no.
me: *hanging back a bit while out with friends*
friends: that guy has followed us to 3 bars.
All the Kings men: we need some kind of adhesive
All the kings horses: why is everyone looking at us
ME: my wife eats all the caramel corn and leaves the cheese
JUDGE: give this man full custody of the kids
ME: no wait they do the same thing
Okay me first
Utility company website: Are you a bot?
Me: No, but if there are bots trying to pay my utility bills, mind your own business.
[Joseph checking in to hotel]
“Is there WiFi?”
Only in the stable
*later to Virgin Mary*
“Honey, hotel was booked. Gotta stay in the stable”
[1st day as lifeguard]
Guy: there’s someone drowning in the water
Me [not looking up from phone]: well it’d be hard to drown in the sand
“you are strong. you are smart,” i whisper to myself as i struggle to figure out whether to push or pull on a door