Starting to think that adult supervision is a myth. In fact, my eyes seem to be getting worse.
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me: (sneaking out to Christmas shop for my wife)
wife: what are you doing?
brain: lie.
me: (pulling pantyhose over face) murders.
Today I learned my laser pointer can go all the way to the bar across the street.
Drunk people still think there’s a sniper somewhere.
It would have been cool to see the discovery of salt. “This food tastes bland. Let’s see if I can improve it by adding some rocks.”
(When someone insults something you like.)
“Sources?? In triplicate! My honor demands nothing less!”
(When someone insults something you hate.)
“This RandomUser654788433 fellow certainly makes good points.”
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
Welcome to our nearly empty restaurant. Please follow me to our worst table.
*professes my undying love to my microwave*
*microwave sets itself on fire*
Watching Thor: Ragnorok and never get tired of hearing Bruce Banner brag about his 7 PhDs like it’s a sign of brilliance and not just poor career planning, dude. Like, maybe do the one PhD and then some postdocs, guy.
OH. COME. ON.
Man: I love curvy women
Curvy Woman: has tummy rolls, thighs touch, cellulite
Man: no, not like that
Oh, lord. I brought my mouth with me to work today and it’s all sass. Prayers, please.
Me at home: I want peace on earth and good will to men.
Me while grocery shopping: If one more idiot blocks the aisle, I’m going to run them over with my cart like grandma getting run over by a reindeer.
me: I think there may have been a mixup at the hospital. this isn’t my baby
him: mom I’m 35 years old
LIVING WITH A ROOMMATE
• difficult to find someone cool
• their friends might ask to stay overLETTING RATS TAKE OVER YOUR ENTIRE APARTMENT
• easy to find rats
• they will never complain about what you make for dinner
• people will NOT ask to stay over
shepherd: SWEET CAROLINE
sheepdog: god i hate this guy
sheep: BAH BAH BAH
sheepdog: ok i hate all of you
Crap, I hate good-bye kisses. I think that I may have used too much tongue with my mother-in-law.
People falling down has become a lot less funny now that I’m in my 40s and can incur permanent bodily damage from like yawning wrong
In Maryland we can’t legally carry concealed weapons so our best defense against being murdered is the zig-zag runaway.
What I really love about Air Fresheners is how it makes your bathroom smell like someone just shit in your rose garden…
Oh, more embarrassing things I have done as a lawyer:
While working from home, I joined zoom court with my microphone on, not realized it, and reacted to a knock at the door by yelling “I swear to god I am in court right now!” And the judge said, “yes, you are.”
HIM: *turning the heat down* You have the heat too high!
HER: *turning it up* No, YOU have the heat too LOW!
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: Stop that, this is my office.
Cop: spread’em!
Me: *frantically starts buttering bread*
Me *calls 911* I got stabbed by an murderer
911: omg
Me: omg
911: “an” murderer haha
Me: haha stop I heard it just as I said it
Just called the fire department to tell them that dogs pee on fire hydrants so they should probably all wash their hands.
when i read a tweet that ends with “thanks for coming to my ted talk” i get excited and look around to check whether im truly at a tedx conference. usually im being played for a fool and im just under a car again
Nothing says “high-functioning alcoholic” like being really good at darts.
[First Date]
Him: So many choices. Would you like to split 2 sandwiches and each have half?
Me: Sure.
Him: BLT, please.
Me: Same.
If I had a time machine I’d alter the Big Bang Theory pilot episode so all the characters exploded in the very first scene
Des Moines Police having a normal one
You realize a robot is telling you to pick out tree pictures to make sure you’re not a robot.