Starting to think that having kids just to get some help around the house was a bad idea.
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[1863]
LINCOLN: Here’s what I have so far…”Eighty seven years ago our f—
MARY TODD: Wait, wait…Why don’t you use some whacky weird numbers
My psychiatrist is mad at me, told him I could hear people but couldn’t see them…he said when does this happen…I said over the phone
How can I say no to this ?
[etched on my tombstone]
THE DIET STARTS TOMORROW
You’re born alone and you die alone. And a bunch of people annoy you in the middle. Okay, good night.
Went to my niece’s elementary school field day last week.
I won every single event.
Every. Single. Event.
A baby and I locked eyes. I panicked, but thankfully I didn’t cry first. Haha stupid baby, I win.
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
Contemplating the merits of the Oxford comma as I head down to Florida to see my parents, Donald Trump and Marco Rubio
Just listed my wife as my emergency contact and added the note “please text, she doesn’t answer calls.”
Thanksgiving is nothing like Halloween.
You can turn your lights off, it doesn’t even phase them, they still come to your door.
Watching my mother-in-law order at Starbucks is like watching a drunk gorilla try to start a car with a french fry.
Who called them fake potatoes and not imitaters.
Me: I’ll take Glinda the Good Witch because I love shoes, Ursula the Sea Witch so she could silence annoying people for me, and Maleficent because I love to sleep.
Genie: But that’s not…eh, never mind, your witches are granted.
I say “Have a good one” instead of “Have a nice day” because I’m so mysterious. One what? You just don’t know!
I like to keep our shades open at night to scare off any potential thieves with our mess
GOD: it’s time I punished the humans again
JESUS: cool. flood or plague?
GOD:[watching The Apprentice] oh I’ve something way worse in mind..
If video games were truly to blame for violent acts drive by turtle flinging would be at an all time high.
[overhears wife complaining about me on phone] he’s always overreacting and making a mess
*spits chocolate milk everywhere* ARE YOU SERIOUS?
CENTAUR: My dad slept with a horse
MINOTAUR: My mum slept with a bull
PIGOTAUR: My dad was Prime Minister.
Whoa new Barbie movie cast is stacked
[Hall of Justice]
BATMAN: What a day…I just saved Gotham
SUPERMAN: For sure…I just saved the planet
AQUAMAN: I hear ya…I just got tangled up in some brine shrimp
If my dog had a catchphrase it would be, “I came as soon as I heard! What do you need me to eat??”
She died as she lived. Listening to the story of what her kid watched on YouTube that day.
toddler: crying (why am i up)
me: i have no idea you should be napping
toddler: (who woke me up)
me: literally nothing & no one
toddler: (why do i have to stay awake)
me: you don’t please do not
toddler: (i am stressed)
me: you could not have fewer commitments or responsibilities
Weird old lady in the elevator complimented my thongs. I was disgusted. Hours later that I realized she was talking about my sandals.
We installed those slam-proof bumpers on all of our doors. My kids’ fingers are safe, but I have no way of knowing when my wife is mad at me.
*Corrects the grammar on your Christmas card and mails it back*
*forgetting the name for christmas decorations*
please pass me the tree earrings
Me, to 10yo: The first step in doing your math homework is *starts crying*