Starting to think that having kids just to get some help around the house was a bad idea.
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Why do girls keep having periods when they hate them? Just stop having them , do what makes you happy ❤️
you cannot hurt me. you are not a hip height table corner
a haunted house, but every room is just learning more about Will & Jada.
Meanwhile in Portland…
[cocktail party]
BARTENDER: *pointing at me* Mai Tai?
ME: no, it’s mine…it came with the suit.
glitter can neither be created nor destroyed, only transferred from one location to another
Me: I wanna travel somewhere
My bank account: To the other room? or?
I told my 3 year-old that sometimes, sharing with his brother is the nice thing to do.
He replied with, “Are you sure about that?” Followed by a maniacal stare.
There is a reason creepy children are used as a theme in horror movies, people.
Witches were never burned in the South because it led to too many arguments over BBQ techniques.
{asks friend for help with a draft}
*two minutes later*
‘I’d love to help you, but I honestly have no idea where your thought process is taking us here’Me: “It’s fine, really
…..it’s not you, it’s me!”
Teen: Mom, I forgot my key and I won’t be home until midnight. Can you leave the front door unlocked?
– clearly my teen needs to watch more true crime documentaries.
Every day, my kids walk around the basket of clothes in their room to avoid putting them away.
So, I guess it’s hereditary.
It’s unfair to call me lactose intolerant when you consider what I’m willing to go through for lactose.
*using intercom*
WHAT DO YOU MEAN THERE’S NO POTLUCK?!funeral director- shh this is a funeral!!
*using intercom*
I whisper – “what do you mean there’s no potluck?”
chiropractor cracked my back and now im glowing
i didn’t think at 41 i would be saying “but please don’t tell my parents” as often as i do
Ice cream. Ewes scream. We all scream because there are angry sheep in this Baskin Robbins.
I never had a childhood bully, but I do have a toddler, so same.
*Ok, don’t let them know you’re a dog*
Him: The job is yours. Here’s the keys to your new office. [tosses keys]
*catches keys in my mouth*
I feel bitchy.I want to steal your pen,then use it in front of you,while denying it’s your pen.Then leave a note that says “it was your pen”
Smooth, elegant, complex and full-bodied. But enough about me, this wine is fantastic.
I made a bacon sandwich this morning then managed to drop it on my white t-shirt. Luckily nobody was using the washing machine. That’s where I keep my emergency bacon.
It’s a proud parenting moment seeing your kid throw away their own trash. You may also solve the mystery of the missing silverware.
VOTERS: we want to give a boat a ridiculous name
UK: no
VOTERS: we want to break up the EU and trash the world economy
UK: fine
If your idea of an “Epic” deal is $5 off then we may have different interpretations of that word, Pottery Barn.
i once made an offhand comment at summer camp that got a laugh so i remembered it for a year and worked it into conversation the next summer but it didn’t get a laugh that year. so you see i don’t need to do stand-up, i’ve already internalized its lessons.
Plot twist: I knock on Jehovah’s Witnesses doors. “I’d like to talk to you about modern science “
Sigmund Freud: I fell over
Me: A Freudian slip?
Sigmund Freud: Not funny – I stepped on glass
Me: Is it a bit of a pane?
Sigmund Freud: You’re enjoying my misfortune
Me: Yes, it’s shard-in-Freud
*pronounces lingerie as ling – gary*
I haven’t had bread in 3 weeks. I look great but now all I think about is bread. I’m basically a duck at this point.