Starting to think the frog dissection skills I learned in high school are never going to pay off.
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This is what every Twitter trending topic looks like to me now
Forgive me father, for I have sinned. I’m not so sure what I did, but he sent me a text that only said, “K” so it must be pretty bad.
Is Fergie totally done spelling stuff? Because “mischievous” sometimes stumps me and I’d appreciate a song about it.
Told my kid in my day, if I missed an episode of a show, might have wait years to see it again
He looked at me like I’d just showed him prison tattoos
Me: read me my Miranda rights
Cop: you have a right to be the smart one. You have a right to finally realize Steve is the one for you. If you do not have a Steve, one may be provided for you
Me: now read me my Samantha rights
Cop [sighs]: you have a right to be the sexy one…
I’ve finally convinced my parents to let me get their fruit & vege & my dad has now sent me this floor plan of the shop. Clearly I’m 44 & a total moron 🙂
Didn’t think the neighbors would notice the new bush, but this note asking me to wear pants suggests otherwise
Why are there 2 dragon smileys on Whatsapp?
“He winked at me, I should send him a dragon head.”
“No babe, this calls for a full dragon.”
You know you’re getting old when your friends start having kids on purpose.
girls don’t want boys, they want good hair days
The worst part of getting a chain wallet for your birthday is that now you have 3 days to send 10 chain wallets to your friends.
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
Legacy implies the existence of armacy.
she think she can manipulate me wit them crystals, girl u is not Thanos
“I really should buckle down and get my rap album going”
-Me, every time I drink
Plot twist: This time the dog opens the door and I run away.
Looking for a get well soon card but they’re all so inspirational and sappy why not something simple like “I hope you make it through this but if not say what’s up to god for me”
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted. I’ve lived here for 274 years and not noticed anything strange.
me at 26: i am a hideous troll
me at 28: *looking at a picture of myself at 26* wow what beauty i once possessed but i wasted it because now i am a hideous troll
me at 30: *looking at a picture of myself at 28* guys, you’re not gonna believe this,
[having daughter’s new boyfriend (who I think is a caveman) over for dinner]
so dave, how is work? *lights candle and watches his reaction*
Banker: So, you’d like a loan, to start an all marsupial fighting championship?
Me: Yes. I call it Mortal Wombat.
Banker:
Me:
Banker: I’m in.
[making octopuses]
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: no
Dating is so easy. You just ask someone out and they say no
Parenting tip: Unplug the microwave before dropping acid because you’ll inevitably put the baby in there for safe keeping.
Arrogant Co-Worker: Do you have any idea how many years of education I have?
Me: Don’t feel bad, I got held back a couple of times myself.
Just tell me which one is wrong, the password or the username!! Don’t make me have to guess.
I bought 28 items at the grocery store today and the bagger managed to strategically fit them into just 21 bags.
Today on “Dora the Explorer”, Dora and Boots learn there are some places they can’t explore when Map leads them to an armed border patrol.
You can’t scare me. You’re not my dog the morning after she ate my jar of Vaseline
There were a lot of tears when I dropped my kid back to school today. I think it’s really unprofessional when his teacher cries in front of us.