[starts chanting in unison]
In Unison! In Unison! In Unison!
Government Official: I don’t know what he wants, all I know is I don’t like it.
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puting flowers in my hair to accentuate my dirt like quality
Her: You know I love it when you pull my hair…
Me: Yes, baby
Her: But the other people at this PTA meeting are beginning to stare.
I hate spoilers so much I walk out of movies before the end
when you’re a gargoyle but also afraid of heights
Me: We had ice cream in honor of you today
Dad (in heaven): Did you eat a half gallon in one sitting?
Me: No
Dad: Amateur
Sephora employee: “you have 70000 points, you can choose from any of these things”
Someone called me an “alarmist old lady,” when Boomer Doomer was right there.
I’m bored, think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot, sit in my car with my reverse lights on
a robot’s eyes change to red when they go evil because they are in love (with murder)
If I’m “supposed to” shave my knees then why are they shaped like that ? Exactly
Wanted:
Someone to hand feed me Doritos so my fingers don’t get orange.
No weirdos.
M: Bless me Father for I have sinned.
P: You’re not even Catholic.
M: You don’t want to hear what I did?
P: Oh, I do. I’ve read your tweets.
Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you do criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes. End of tweet
me: you can’t take a joke
joke thief: what
Let me sing you the song of my people
*moves and 97 joints pop*
Thanks to whoever invented the mute button, because I can poop while on a conference call.
When I was younger, I was so stupid,
I made bad decisions that will haunt
me for the rest of my life.And by “younger” I mean yesterday.
All kids are born with a sixth sense that lets them know the absolute worst time to ask for something.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Ma’am you can’t take that on the plane
ME: This is my therapy ham
Me *Happily comes home from the hairdresser with fresh highlights and cut.
Bf: So what did they do to it?
Me: pretty much any name can be unisex
My son Stephanie: I hate you dad
Doctor: What’s the problem?
Me: Our baby cries all night
Doctor: That’s quite normal
Baby: ALL NIGHT
Doctor: Holy shit
Watching as gravity slowly unfriends you.
Wait, Omicron isn’t the latest crypto currency?
You’d think the neighbors wouldn’t be so upset about the helpful notes I left for them regarding their god awful Christmas decorations.
I’m crowd funding an organic lettuce purchase from Whole Foods.
I don’t know what it means, but my stomach just made a sound I once heard in the woods back in 1993.
“His and hers” gifts are the thoughtful choice for any wedding. The division of property goes so much more smoothly.
“Damn you, Autocorrect!!!!” – Mark Zuckerberg, who had intended to announce that he was giving away 99% of his socks