[starts chanting in unison]
In Unison! In Unison! In Unison!
Government Official: I don’t know what he wants, all I know is I don’t like it.
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[Ninja Dojo]
Me: Sensei, how will I know when I am ready?
Sensei: When you are seen no more than your selfies on IG, then you will be ninja.
No, YOU just googled “emoji meanings” to make sure you’ve been using the correct ones….
“Love me do” is my favourite Beatles song written by Yoda.
Me: I hate working from home.
Also me: I hate working from work.
*cuts down perfect Xmas tree*
Me: What do you think kids?
Kids: Yay!!!!!
Wife: It’s beautifulNeighbor: …what are you guys doing in my yard?
Owls are the most beautiful birds. Real head turner.
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: Sure!
Me: OMG really?
Wife: Wait. Did you say quickie or cookie?
Physicist: *pounds fist* None of our models predicted this!
Cindy Crawford: What did you expect? My major was Chemical Engineering.
Eating some turkey? Put gravy on it. Mashed potatoes dry? Try gravy. Headache? Shot of gravy. Depressed? More gravy. Lost a limb? Gra
My wife claims watching me do karate “isn’t foreplay.” Why am I even alive.
Always surround yourself with people who are successful, because people who are successful always have money to bail you out jail
ME: *being attacked by a werewolf*
ALL OF TWITTER: We don’t deserve dogs.
Everyone thought you could get a writing job from twitter but that never happens anymore its only for things like becoming the president
Always.
(Click “gift options” for merch:
Imagine any 5 white people walking up to you being like “we’re imagine dragons” . You have no choice but to believe them.
My 5 y/o: ugh, all we have is cereal for breakfast
[Next morning, after I make pancakes]
My 5 y/o: I’ll have cereal
Not today, today.
Not today.
Therapist: OK, lie on the couch for me.
Woman: I’m a penguin.
Therapist: No, I meant lie down.
“honey let me see” i exclaim at my weeping wife. i finally manaeg to get the pregnancey test off her.i look downe & see the reading. ‘wasps’
Save time on divorce paperwork, and just hand the judge your phone.
My husband says he doesn’t know when it became his job to make the coffee.
I don’t know when it became his job either, but I’m glad he agrees it’s his job.
Hate when I zone out while someone’s talking to me and they have the nerve to ask me a question like I’m in 5th grade and they’re a teacher.
Apparently it’s “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
Interviewer: “Are you proficient with Microsoft Office?”
Interviewee: “Word.”
My current body type is like you can sorta tell I workout, but you can also tell that I don’t say no when someone offers me a cookie.
I’m not a regular Mom.
I’m a “YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR VIDEO GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!” Mom.
Secret hideout busted…🐈🐾😂😂
Sorry I’m late. My dog ate my car.
[hand sensing faucet factory]
Worker: sir, we are ready to load the hand recognition software
Boss: ok great but *shows picture of me* make sure it doesn’t work for this guy
Your baby’s got pink eye, bronchitis AND a double ear infection?
Are you even trying to keep him alive?