*Starts cutting the chicken of the person next to me at a dinner party out of habit*
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nurse: height
me: i’m 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
I shouldn’t be laughing probably but that is hilarious
[on knees]
“Oh God… please make this hangover go away.”
[from heavens]
“Due to the Saint Patrick’s Day holiday, we are experiencing abnormally high call volumes. Please hold, and God will answer your prayers in the order in which they were received.”
Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?
Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.
Him: I should of told you I loved you a long time ago.
Me: *starts crying* It’s should have.
me: if i follow them, will i see their tweets?
Twitter: absolu-
Twitter algorithm: no.
Lazy ghosts really expect us to get in the car and travel to a haunted house to see them when they could easily just materialize in our homes. I get it Edith you’re more comfortable in an old Victorian manor never going to get unstuck from between realms if you don’t do the work
When you run the vacuum cleaner 9 or 10 times over something that won’t suck up so you pick it up to inspect it and it’s the cat.
My first thought after seeing some recent footage of UFOs in our airspace was, “Guys, could you come back at a better time?”
I finally spilled coffee over my favourite t shirt and now I can wear it all day any day.
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
Do you want to taunt a snowman?
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
this poem is overused,
just like your mum.
Friend: wanna do a Boston marathon with me?
Me: is that on Netflix?
I miss going to weddings just to bring home the centerpieces.
(team meeting)
boss: i’ve always had a no nonsense, take no prisoners approach to…excuse me but what’s with all the looks of disdain?
me: what? oh yeah…since we dropped the mask mandate, it’s difficult to remember that my face isn’t covered.
boss:
[Driving home from restaurant]
WIFE:
ME: What?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME: Sheesh. All I did was call the gluten-free stuff “de-floured”
“Why you watching this shit?”
The last time I did my happy dance I got pepper-sprayed.
My new boss just described me as “dramatic but not problematic” and I’ve never felt more understood in my life
All the kings horses and all the kings men probably feel like they’re being grossly underutilized with that whole egg thing.
I have started a band called Free Beer.
When people see our sign ‘Free Beer Tomorrow at 9PM’ I’m sure everyone is going to be there.
Gross if literal…Liverpool
I love to use my 6-foot wide umbrella at eye height on a crowded path.
~Psychopaths.
Hey!! pssst! Guys who wear camo to bars: There is a reason you’re not getting laid…it’s because the women can’t see you..
The puffer fish spends days creating a beautiful boudoir in which to lure a mate and I just want a man who can load the dishwasher properly.
I always carry a pocket of spare bolts at the carnival and hand two or three to the person taking the seat after me. “I found these. Weird?”
Xylophonist Shredding It
[after losing a rap battle]
me: I didn’t realize how much rhymed with jorts
Tupperware: this dating service “Tops and Bottoms” just didn’t turn out the way I thought.