In the ranking of country’s that drinks the most America is only #4. We need to fix this. Someone fix me a drink and help get us to #1.
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My hobbies include knitting and leaving one star reviews on recipes when I used different ingredients and different techniqes and it turned out gross.
Let’s just call a cruise ship that’s sailing exclusively for married couples what it really is…….a battleship
I love getting socks for Christmas idk what you people are complaining about
putting lotion on isn’t making your skin any less dry because you’re only addressing a symptom and not the source of the problem. You gotta drink that shit
Double whammy. First date is turning out to be fun & I also go to meet my hero Chris Hansen from Catch a Predator.
guy who has only been to ikea, walking into his second furniture store: can’t wait to eat the meatballs here
when u get so high u forget u ordered food
H: Want to go to Lowe’s with me?
M: Can I wear my tiara?
H: I’d rather you not
M: Then no thanks
[husband leaves]
M: *whispers* works every time
Killing Eve is trending and I thought we had a new holiday.
i installed a ceiling fan in my room
They say you should dress for the job you want then send you home as “the stormtrooper suit is not appropriate work attire”
Dear trick-or-treaters: Would it kill you to say “thank you” when I hand you a freshly made egg salad sandwich?
Mob boss: fellas, restrain him
me: you can’t restrain me if you’ve never strained me
Mob boss: and gag him
Rebranding demon possession as a cure for loneliness.
Yes indeed, I am a morning person. Morning naps are my favorite
[at park, walking puppy]
Stranger: ‘Aww such a cutie…how old?’
Me: *blushing* ‘Thank you. 49.’
Cop: anything in your pockets that might hurt me?
“Nah”
*cop pulls out a pic of his ex GF and suspect*
Cop: *wiping tears* I’m over it
I set a rat trap last night & this morning the cheese was gone & there was a picture of my kids in it, what does this mean
[Dinosaur Rap Battle]
We’re gonna win this for sure!
“Wait, what kind of dinosaurs are we again?”
WE’RE RAPTORS! Jesus Christ Owen
🎵 Like a good neighbor, stay over there!! 🎶
i’m really getting my money’s worth on rent this year
What if instead of meth you made the powerpuff girls?
[first day on SWAT team]
SWAT #1: The target is inside.
SWAT #2: Let’s break down the door.
ME: I got this… [knocks] “GIRL SCOUT COOKIES!”<door flies open>
I bet you’ll watch the cell phone camera footage of this concert for years & remember the fun you had holding up a cell phone at a concert.
What idiot called it a witch hunt and not the War on Seance?
Me: I have a problem.
Her: We’re married. Whatever it is, it’s our problem now.
Me: Ok. We had an affair with the neighbour’s daughter.
Men over 35 are terrible at sharing their momma’s secret recipe for her most requested dish.
And now we wait.
guys: women are a mystery.
women: Here is what we-
guys: LITERALLY WHAT DO THEY WANT?
women: well for start-
guys: Guess we’ll never know!
“What skills would you bring to the apocalypse?”
Me: Um, brooding real hard.
Woke up super stiff all over and when I tried to look down, my neck had morning woodn’t.