*starts GoFundMe campaign to buy a soft drink at the movies*
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day 1: dear diary i have been stranded on a desert island
day 18: im starting to think that help will never come
day 120: i was rescued by a couple fishermen!
day 121: i have been dropped back off on the island because i kept saying “thank cod u guys found me” to the fishermen
The most unrealistic thing about sitcoms is couples comfortably sharing a full size mattress
Me: Well, today sucked.
Him: It’s 9 AM.
listen, i know shrek isn’t REAL, i was simply asking if it was based on a true story,
Kidnapper: we have your wife
Me: you sonofa-it was HER turn to take the kids to the park today!
My family made a pact that I’m the first to be sacrificed in a zombie apocalypse because I’ll slow them down. That’s my workout motivation.
COWORKER: Hi, this is embarrassing. *whispers* can I borrow a tampon?
ME: Sure, just leave it on my desk when you’re done.
My mama didn’t raise no fool.
Instead I was raised by a pack of idiot wolves.
Me: We need to rewatch the movie we had on last night because I fell asleep.
Family: Puts on last night’s movie.
Me: Falls asleep.
set yourself free xox
Me: Why won’t my friends talk to me anymore
Also me: I’m hummuspilled. I’m going chickpea mode. I’m in my garbanzo era.
Cop: license and registration
Me: that won’t be necessary officer
*places a glazed donut in his pocket
Twitter,
I told my 10 year old it was too late for chocolate and I’d get us a yoghurt. We sat and ate them. I then went upstairs and ate the kit kat I’d snuck in my sling.
I wish I hadn’t bought so much Encyclopedia Britannica stock in 1999.
As if ” cray cray” wasn’t irritating enough, people have started shortening it to ” cray”….that’s just stu stu
“How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are?”🤔
911: Sir, I understand you think it did it against your will and was aggressive but we can’t arrest an auto flush toilet.
Me: I WASNT READY
Guys, I had to book a flight for my grandma, and according to her passport, she’s born in February, not July, as we have always celebrated. Asked, she said: “Well, you can’t celebrate garden parties in February.”
O_o
Sighing loudly at a Hogwarts meeting and saying, “This could have been an owl.”
Getting rid of my cleaning person sounded like a good way to save money, until it came time to do the cleaning.
Parenting is a lot like a home improvement project. Right after the “This isn’t so bad” phase comes the “I should call someone who knows what they’re doing” phase.
Establish dominance on Halloween by eating your neighbor’s jack-o-lanterns.
No time to exercise? Get the results of a 30 minute workout in only 3 seconds by accidentally stepping on your cat on the stairs in the dark
When I randomly walk into a room in my home and find my kids playing quietly together I slowly and silently back out like I’ve stumbled into a den of hungry velociraptors who by some miracle haven’t noticed me yet.
*Woman throws a drink in my face but I swallow it all perfectly*
Biggest fears:
4. Dancing in public
3. Spiders
2. Forgetting names
1. Dancing in public with spiders who’s names I forget
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
WAITER: Would you like Parmesan cheese on your meal?
ME: Yes
WAITER: Say when
ME: Well now makes the most sense
just checked my bank account and all I can say is who wants foot pics
Considering “natural” childbirth?
You wouldn’t have a tooth pulled without painkillers, right? This is an 8lb tooth. From your crotch.