[Starts jogging]
Body: No.
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Friend: Hey man I haven’t seen you since you had a baby. How’s parenthood?
Me: Up at dawn. Milk. Survive. Distract. Feed. Milk. Distract. Physical activity. Feed. Milk. Asleep at sundown.
Friend: Hahaha sounds like farming.
Me: That’s right. Parents are kid farmers.
“Are u going to the circus?” is a perfectly good sentence when not used as a follow-up 2 your wife’s question: “how does my make-up look?”
My parents decided to test their marriage by going to IKEA today
Bahaha. Loving the support, maybe we’ll get this handled.
airline clerk: your bag is over 50 pounds so that’ll be an extra $25
me: yes, of course *checks high school physics notes* money reduces the impact of gravity on mass
When you give someone a present, unless you say “open it”, they’re legally not allowed to look inside.
Hi I’m the protagonist of a YA horror story. My name is something VERY SYMBOLIC like Persephone Underworld or Circe Evil-Lineage. Tho it seems vague, if you’re good at doing an allegory you’ll understand it’s a hint that my family has an evil, death-related history. Spoiler alert
Shout out to God for giving me the strength to walk away from stupid people without slapping them.
Without telling me where you live tell me your social security number and mother’s maiden name.
ur macbook about to start asking if you want update now, tonight or when the 2nd wave hits
With the passing of Hugh Hefner, we must now turn the page on an American icon.
*Pages stick together
“I’ll fix the roof myself,” I said, “save some money” I said…
EXECUTIVE: Calling our store “Bed & Bath” isn’t working. How can we take our branding to the next level?
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: I have an idea…
My son asked me the definition of impending doom. I just said, ‘you know when you smell dog poop in the house, but you can’t see it?
That.’
Why should I have to take a first aid course? Why is this on me? Why don’t you take a “how to eat sandwiches without choking” course?
YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR DOG: I’m totally cool with that. I love you.
******************
YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR CAT: Me too.
Jigsaw: I want to play a game
Me: *takes his hand* I don’t play games
Jigsaw: [whispers] OMG
Welcome to middle age. Prepare to pay for everything you’ve done to your body over the last 40 years.
Bae: Are you coming over?
Me: Yes, I’m coming over.
– Me and Bae having CB Radio sex
Calling it Quarantine:
-boring
-sad
-lonely afCalling it house arrest:
-sounds like you do crimes
-you’re a bad boy now
-cool as heck
Secret to a successful marriage is to compliment your spouse before discussing tasks and chores
[fancy restaurant]
me: this has a fine oaky taste
sommelier: sir is eating the cork
“Great choice. California is known for its chickens.”
– me, trying to impress a date who ordered the California Chicken Salad
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
all pants are breakaway pants if you’re angry enough
Ladies, if he:
– doesn’t introduce you to his parents
– never calls you back
– has four feet
– smells like potato chips
– could easily be mistaken for a loaf of breadthat’s my pug, you’re dating my pug
My favorite bra broke and now I feel like there’s no one left to support me.
dumbledore: you know what this spot needs
hogwarts gardener: rose bu-
dimbledore: a tree that kills students
hogwarts gardener: what
dumbledore: plant the death tree
If you think a 30 sec ad is bad try waiting until news at 11 to “find out what’s been poisoning your family”
me: *listening to the new song I like 4,000 times on repeat*
the ghost I don’t know lives in my apartment: *trying to hang himself but he’s already dead*