*starts new diet*
“Do not drink caffeine”
*ends new diet*
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A computer game where you go back in time with a gun to kill Adam; it’s a first person shooter.
Don’t tell me I look tired unless you’re offering to carry me
Why did they call it “conjugal visit” when “guilty pleasure” was right there?
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
TAYLOR SWIFT: I knew you were trouble when you walked in
ME (wearing ski mask and holding up gun): what gave it away?
[on Ferris wheel]
ME: This is going great.
MY DATE: This is so weird.
UBER DRIVER: Let’s get cotton candy next.
The Seven Deadly Sins:
1. Envy
2. Gluttony
3. Greed
4. Lust
5. Pride
6. Calling Lego ‘Legos’
7. Wrath
Fell asleep in the Natural History Museum again, now everybody thinks I’m an exhibit
me: [struggling to take off a sports bra]
other lady in the locker room: I CAN DO IT MYSELF
-Ho ho ho, what do you want for Christmas?
-I want a Kylo Ren lightsaber, a Thor hammer, a Star Trek phaser, a—
-I was asking the boy, sir.
can we normalize arguing with little kids they’re so rude 😭
Remember before Twitter you would have to pickup the phone and call someone to tell them how much you love bacon ?
I’m not “rich.” Actually, it depends on how you define wealth. If you’re talking about money, relationships, or happiness, then no still
People say to feng shui your home to get rid of negative energy, so I made my family go stand outside before blocking the front door with the couch.
I paid extra for the “supreme” car wash, which means at the end they put a dollop of sour cream on top of your car.
Emperor: How are my elite troops doing on Endor?
Vader: They were all viciously murdered by teddy bears.
Emperor: That sounds plausible.
i’m angry no one’s ever pranked me by having 10 pizzas delivered that i didn’t order
My followers are dropping like flies it must be that new perfume I bought.
What I imagine when an American describes their healthcare system to me:
scientist: don’t touch anything
me: [licked a petri dish already] got it
…20 minutes later
scientist: did you touch something
me: no
scientist: you’re changing colors just tell me what you touched and i’ll save you
me: [about to die] i didn’t touch anything i swear to god
Just waiting to hear those three special words… “there’s no evidence.”
waiter: would you like a soup or salad?
clark kent: [laughs nervously] a super salad? i’ll just have a regular salad please
waiter: alri-
clark kent: [loudly] a regular salad for a regular man
I always regret making a good first impression because there is no way I can keep that shit up.
I tink there’s a deal going down in your backyard!
Birds that land and then WALK across the street… what the hell is wrong with you?
I just ordered an iced coffee, black, with cream and sugar. Follow me for more just sheer stupidity.
I asked my 5yo not to do something, and he just smiled maniacally and nodded his head until I gave up. I’m going to try this on my wife.
I illegally download music, but only Metallica.
They seem to be pretty cool about it.
Sorry that I took a picture of my armpit and tried to pass it off as my thigh gap.
I’m listening to a flat earth argument at this bar and I want so bad to interject more stupid nonsense