[starts noticing lots of famous people are younger than I am]
Me: oh no
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Every day is a whodunit mystery when you have kids.
ppl have to stop making plans with me in advance because the me who agreed to the plans 3 days ago is NOT the same person as the me 30 minutes before the plans are supposed to take place
[Being chased by killer]
Me: *Frantically tries to finish my Amazon order*
Just bought a 2013 calender, a rope and a stool. I like to keep the store clerk guessing.
the person who wrote the program that estimates how much time is left on a software update did not take their job seriously at all
something magical should happen if you eat enough saltwater taffy. maybe a mermaid drags you into the ocean
[waterloo]
napoleon: wow. that was really embarrassing
general: yea
napoleon: hope nobody writes a song about this
When I die I want to be cremated and my ashes spread all over my bedroom…so my wife can clean up after me one more time.
6: can i have ice cream?
Me: ur room clean?
6: if I clean it can I have ice cream?
M: sure
6:*looks at room* thats ok I dont need ice cream
I need someone to pretend they’re coming round, so I will burst into life and actually clean this stupid house.
when someone references the Ottoman Empire and i picture a bunch of Turks, with their feet up, relaxing.
If I can’t msg you after years of no contact asking if you want some human teeth just block me now.
McDonald’s has spoiled all of us with their super-charged carbonated soda. I don’t want just any Sprite. I want the Sprite that will make me see God.
Police say Oscar Pistorius is a flight risk. How? Does he also have a pair of propeller feet?
It’s always the last 10-15 peanut butter cups that you end up regretting.
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
[experiment to see if infinite monkeys on infinite typewriters will produce the complete works of shakespeare]
scientist 1: well?
scientist 2: close a few times sir, but someone keeps adding question marks to everything
s1, over loudspeaker: curious george to the front please
If Twitter is a rave then Facebook is a Tupperware party.
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
– Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
I prefer to watch like nobody is dancing
My husband gets me to scream his name by doing his signature move of not leaving any toilet paper in the bathroom.
Mimes are known to commit
unspeakable acts.
Linda from the office calls it a shawl but I know a shitty cape when I see one.
i’ve found my new favorite subculture
It finally happened: someone asked me where the library was in Spanish. I’ve been training for this since high school.
trying to get through to Mozart on the Ouija board I really want him to listen to the Thong Song
[band rehearsal]
Lead singer: Are you just going to stand there holding that fruit? Where’s your tambourine?
Me: [looks down at tangerine] I may have misunderstood.
Remember when the internet didn’t exist and we kept all this stupidness in our heads?
Good times.
Why are you breaking up with me?
“You treat your dog like a baby. It’s weird”
Shh *puts hands over dog’s ears* he’s 26 months he understands
In 5 more years people will be notified of their termination of employment via emoji.