@jazmasta: *starts petting a random dog in the park when I see my ex dog walking past*
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@XplodingUnicorn: Me: Can I have some of your candy? 3-year-old: Can I have some of your beer? Me: 3: Me: 3: Me: Deal. Wife: NO!
@my_minivan_life: Someone asked me today what was the toughest thing about being a parent. I would have to say it’s the kids.
@Reverend_Scott: Meanwhile, at the bar: Batman: "Whisky." Aquaman: "Appletini." "WHAT?" "It's vodka, apple schnapps..." "You're off the Justice League."