@jazmasta: *starts petting a random dog in the park when I see my ex dog walking past*
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@rickkondell: The best thing about owning a Smart Car is when it gets dirty, you can just put it in the dishwasher.
@Brampersandon_: ME: *does entire national anthem with armpit farts* WIFE: see what I mean? THERAPIST: Mmmhmm *writes in notes: "she's nuts. This guy rules*
@TinaMav: How to kill a spider: get a piece of tissue paper, approach it slowly, and very carefully, burn the house down.
@rmfnord: "Whoa! Hey there, buddy, leave me out of it. This has got nothing to do with me." - The Horse You Rode In On