Welcome to your 40’s. You now choose restaurants based on how much back support their seating offers
You Might Also Like
This guy is heading back in to town. His wife has been sick for months, and his recent indiscretions weigh heavily on his mind. He eyes the oncoming cement truck, and feels a pull. He could leave this all behind with one turn of the-
Son: I don’t want to play hot wheels anymore
Me: *disappointed* so an oral argument isn’t having make up sex after a row?
Lawyer:
Venmo me $20 and I’ll show up to your work on Valentine’s Day in a suit and tie (with flowers!) begging for you to take me back. For an extra $5 I’ll do it to an unsuspecting co-worker
Me: What’s for dinner?
Shawn: Prawns
Shaun: Prauns
Sean: Preans
I always try and write my tweets real slow because I know some of you can’t read fast.
Did you know a hummingbird has to consume half its body weight in sugar every day and that I don’t have to do that but I still also do that?
My New Year’s resolutions:
1. Stop making lists.
B. Be more consistent.
7. Learn to count.
ME: we have a problem, karen invited us to a coldplay concert
HER: nice i love coldplay
ME: ok we have two problems
“One box of murder hornets, please. And yes, it’s a gift.”
Guarantees in life:
1) death
2) taxes
3) me pulling the handle of your car door at the same moment you try to unlock it
Peanut butter
You’re almost as good as chocolate
Which is almost as good as cheese
Which is tied with vodka-Poem about the food pyramid
“You know…”
[takes drag of cigarette]
“That energy bar is full of sugar”
[exhales]
Stop talking. They are staring at you. You are saying bizarre things.
-An Inner Monologue
From the speed at which it’s spread I’m wondering if wordle is a symptom of omicron.
You can tell how much a woman hates her husband by how short she cuts her hair.
The cops said 911 was for emegencies only and not for me to report suspicious looking clouds.
The Macarena was just a tutorial on how to fold a sweater.
I looked at bright side once and it gave me the finger.
I was once a guest at a house where the owner told me that his mother died in the bed I was sleeping in and I don’t blame her because that bed was comfy.
I’m currently number 43 in a queue on the phone.
Please, your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
Ffs
My spirit animal is fried chicken
The corner of this table hurt me and made me cry, so now we’re dating
[beach]
ME: Sure is beautiful here
HORSE: Yup
ME: Lovely sunset too
HORSE: Uh huh
ME: So…You want a drink?
HORSE: Nice try
I’ll never forget my grandad’s last words on his deathbed.
He said: “I should never have bought this deathbed. Asking for trouble…”
Me to alien:
I, too, try to live among people undetected
Around my neighborhood I’m affectionately known as “Please stop taking pictures of my flowers you weirdo.”
Why it’s called a cellular membrane and not a gene-jacket I’ve no idea.
me: come back to my place?
her: sure
me: it’s not haunted
her: what
me: no ghosts
Caught my sex robot in bed with my Roomba.