Humming & dancing while I plop my meds into my weekly pill counter like the happy little nutcase I am
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I can’t sleep because I’m worried I’m not gonna get enough sleep because I should already be sleeping.
computer simulation of what the punisher skull looked like when alive
Person: “I can’t believe I’ve been sitting for two hours.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Amateur.”
9yo son: The difference between moms and dads is that when you say “I’m hungry,” moms say “go eat something” and dads say “hi, Hungry, I’m dad.”
I told my husband not to get me anything for Valentine’s Day, now we wait…
My 61-year-old stepmom loves your product, Mark Zuckerberg.
#KarenAndTheCat 😉
What I said: GO TO BED!
What my kids heard: Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
Robin: Your ad says you’re looking for a side chick?
Batman: Sidekick
Robin: Close enough
To the raisin I just beat to death with my shoe..
Eww! I thought you were a spider.
Eww! Someone’s bringing raisins in my house.
Sirs & Ma’ams, It is a well-known fact that when Jesus takes the wheel, He doesn’t just stop with the wheel. He takes the stereo too.
if you think electrolytes are good you should try the electroheavies
[magic school bus]
KID: where are we going today
MS. FRIZZLE: the zoo
KID: but last week we went to SPACE
MS. FRIZZLE: im hungover, children
FRIEND: Jack is sleeping, what should we do to him?
TYLER: Shaving cream.
MARK: Shaving cream.
ME: Pay off his student loans.
[they all look at me]
ME: I mean shave him.
Me: You a good personal trainer?
Him: You bet your emotionally distant dad I am.
Me: [through tears] Wow, that’s personal. You’re hired.
A lady once dmed and asked if we had internet in Brazil. I think about it a lot
When you’re single and decide to go out for dinner on Valentine’s Day.
The Pope is putting out a Christmas album. And just like that, Lady Gaga now has the SECOND weirdest wardrobe in music
If you watch “Jaws” backwards it’s a heartwarming tale of a zombie shark who fixes boats & reunites families by vomiting up their missing friends and family.
If you wanted to know what being at the top of your game looks like…
My husband and I are about to take a nap because we have an 8:30 dinner reservation and we need to nap in order to stay up that late.
I’ve just completed a cohort study that confirms people can go longer without sex if they have an adequate supply of chocolate and peanut butter
I call it my Reese’s Thesis
How your email finds me
Someone just told me to “have a blessed day.”
What do you even say to someone like that? I just hissed at them.
A cup of water A cup of water
when it’s in when it spills
a cup on the table
ME: Please, I beg you, just tell me the ingredients.
RECIPE SITE: Sure!
ME: Thank you.
RECIPE SITE: After I explain WHY I love these ingredients—
ME: *Whispers* No.
RECIPE SITE: —It was a crisp, fall evening, and I, a wide-eyed college student, was studying in Rome.
This kid will have a bright future.
is this a warning or an offer?
I sleep with a bat under my bed in case someone breaks in and wants to learn about echolocation
Some BODY once told me
Your plums
were in the icebox
Forgive me
for this breakfast disgraceI was looking kinda dumb
with a plate
all full of plums
so sweet
so cold
and stuffed in my face