Raccoons use their hands more than any animal, so they’re basically the Italians of nature.
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Why do squirrels swim on their backs?
“To keep their nuts dry.”
HAHAHAHA!
(Please don’t leave me. I was dropped on my head as a baby.)
Why would Sally sell seashells by the seashore? There are plenty there that are free. Just walk and you are bound to find at least 40. Idiot
I’m really bad at portioning uncooked pasta…so if you and 110 of your friends wanna come over, dinner is ready.
Dogs look like they’ve received some really sad news when they watch you eat.
Brain: he must study-how?
*Hormones raise hand*
H: we could hit him with pimples, kill the social life?
B: *whispers*
It’s for his own good.
“I bring you news from the front, m’lord. Food bowls are empty, litter boxes are full, and the natives are getting restless.”
Confession: I have dipped cheese into softer cheese.
I made quiche, like a real grown-up. I feel like Tom Hanks in Castaway when he makes fire… I HAVE MADE QUICHE!
[titanic, 1912]
Captain: what kind of lettuce do u want on your sandwich
First mate: ICEBERG
Captain: lol no need to shout, Dave
[on date]
Here, let me help you with your jacket!
*i gently remove her jacket*
This is mine now. Cya
The alphabet starts off kinda slow, but once you get past K, hot damn does it get good
The dinner I made tonight wasn’t great. Luckily it only took 2 hours to make, cost $83 in ingredients, and needed multiple pots and pans.
HER: I can’t believe you made a pillow fort for day drinking in.
ME: ᵖˡᵉᵃˢᵉ ᶜᵃˡˡ ᶦᵗ ᶜᵃˢᵗˡᵉ ᴳʳᵉʸ ᴳᵒᵒˢᵉ ˢᵏᵘˡˡ
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME: ᴵ ʰᵃᵛᵉ ᵗʰᵉ ᵖᵒʷᵉʳ
HER: You have a problem.
Had to get a new washer dryer (17 yrs! Thanks Maytag) and the guys installing it asked “you didn’t make this your wife’s Christmas present right?”
“No”
“Cause the guy at the last house did and that was a bad scene man”
Who knew a midlife crisis could have so few convertibles and so many cats?
Be a parent so you can say fun things like, “Can you please stop petting the ChickfilA trashcan?”
Looks at today’s news…. hears Benny Hill theme.
Petition to change the “there’s a train approaching the station, please stand away from the platform edge” announcement to “oh lawd she comin”
HER: i could really use a shoulder to cry on right now
ME [a mortician]: *looks at clipboard* ok what type are you looking for?
Glad I had the coat closet redone so that everyone can continue leaving jackets and bags everywhere except the coat closet
I lost my camouflage wallet, so if you happen to see it, then it’s shitty camouflage and I don’t want it back
*Door creaks open*
*Faces lean in*Wife: They need more lunch money.
9: And money for the book fair.
17: And gas money.
13: And can you sign this permission slip?Me, from the commode: Guys… can any of this wait ten minutes?
The first person who started winking at others was probably the creepiest human ever.
Wanna feel old? Subtract your birth year from the current year.
Law enforcement’s cracking down on texting while driving, but there’s no law against standing up and playing saxophone through your sunroof.
Went out to eat at a new place last night
Saw a couple friends I hadn’t seen in so long, I almost didn’t recognize them.
Slapped one guy on the back shook the other one’s hand and realized the reason I barely recognized them is because it wasn’t them.
My wife is still laughing
A Starbucks was robbed at gunpoint this afternoon. The culprits are still at venti.
Nothing like the door blowing off a plane to make us all appreciate a road trip
At Christmas, it’s important to pause and remember all those who have wronged you this year and how you can wreak vengeance on them in 2017