Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
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I got chased by two Canadian geese today. I know they were Canadian because when they realized I was genuinely scared, they apologized.
[Flirting in a bar]
ME: Did it hurt…
HER: …
ME: …when you fell down from that balcony?
PARAMEDIC: Sir, I won’t ask again
Got in a fight with the wife so I didn’t let her sleep on the couch with me last night.
You know that button in the elevator with the fireman´s hat on it.
Turns out that is not the button you press to get a fireman´s hat.
Christmas time is my Mom asking me what size shirt I wear and then telling me I’m wrong.
Me: I’ll end up doing the laundry later or later.
Husband: Don’t you mean “I’ll do it sooner or later”?
Me: Aww thanks babe, I hate laundry.
The downside to being such a good man is all the s*xual excitement it evokes in my admirers. As such, I’ve had to create a series of automated messages in my DMs to deal with all the s*xy texting requests
if Taylor watched me at work I’d probably do really well too idk
I’m the most spontaneous person in the world when it comes to making a decision to stay at home.
My kids have absolutely forbidden me from getting on Twitter.
So here I am!
SAM:
Say! I like green eggs and ham!
I do! I like them, Sam-I-am!
I did eat them in a box.
I did eat them with a fox.
I did eat them in a house.
I did eat them with a mouse.DOCTOR:
So, what seems to be the problem?SAM:
I am pooping here and there.
I am pooping everywhere.
boss: can i see you in my office
me: [sheathing sword] why
My father-in-law has 28 grandchildren and 45 great grandchildren and he has an excel spreadsheet that he refers to regularly so he can remember all their names.
*sitting bolt upright out of a dead sleep*
PANTS MADE OUT OF EGGPLANTS CALLED AUBERJEANS
The goldfish was a little sick so I dripped some steroids in her bowl and now everything is hunky dory.
It’s only fair that if the TSA should ban over 3oz of liquid carried on a person, they should also ban a person wearing over 3oz of cologne.
My uncle was found dead in his office last night by cleaning staff. I’m glad because he wore Crocs to my wedding in 2006.
you’re opening a chip bag and it goes great except for a tiny tear and it seems fine but then the rip starts to get bigger and you’re worried you won’t be able to seal the bag and it keeps going and the entire bag is split open and it continues until the earth fully bifurcates
[watching Game of Thrones] last week was great, I paid attention to everything!
TV: last week on GoT..
Me: when the hell did that happen?!
boss: why are you so late?
me: why are you so obsessed with me?
Just went outside for 10 mins and the mosquitoes treated me like I was fresh eggs at a continental breakfast
my cat smells like cigarettes again & i’m sick of his excuses
See you guys when I get out of prison.
My husband just complained that he’s the only one that ever does anything around the house.
me: [tossing life preserver to my grandfather]
him: [on deathbed] NURSE
If the kids are so noisy from the backseat you can hear them above the music, it obviously wasn’t cranked up loud enough to begin with.
Me: You are not going to believe this…
Priest: Your confessions will always be belived, my child
Me: There is no toilet paper over here.
[asteroid destroys earth]
God: *wakes up* hey I was WATCHING that
If you say “it’s twelve noon,” I assume you eat cow beef and didn’t do well at education school
Told a girl she’s more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses and she said I’m also more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses.
If you’re wondering if marriage gets more relaxed the longer it lasts, my parents have been together 36 years and my mother just yelled “WHY DO YOU SPEAK” at my father so I’m guessing the answer is no.