[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
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When a guy asks me for pics, I send pics of Margaret Thatcher.
wife: Would you ever want an open marriage?
me *messages every girl in my phone asking if they’d have sex with me* Umm *all respond no* Nah
If you yell “DIE” when killing a spider, it dies faster.
Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will destroy the ecological balance.
Them: “Live in the moment!”
Me: “HAVE YOU SEEN THIS MOMENT?”
In school they don’t teach you how to do taxes or that when a mysterious dusty window appears in your room you should NOT answer the raspy voice that drifts through it at 3AM
Computer: Do you trust this device?
Me: Why? Is there something you’re not telling me?
[trying to sneak a water bottle through security]
TSA agent: Good evening sir
Me: Nothing
I need an app that after the third time I press the snooze button, my phone pours cold water on my face.
I took my 8-year-old to the office on Take Your Child to Work Day. As we were walking around, she starting crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong. As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with?’ 🤣
*puts sriracha on a kangaroo*
HOT POCKET
Which is worse: that I had to wear a Frozen bandaid cuz all the regular ones were taken or that I spent 5 min. deciding between Anna & Elsa?
Son: Can we go to the beach?
Me: *dumps a bucket of sand down his shorts* There you go, bud.
all that yoga finally paid off
ME: It’s quite interesting really. You see, “gym” comes from the greek “gymnós” meaning “naked”
YMCA ATTENDANT: Yeah, you’re going to need to put on some pants
the Mona Lisa looks like someone’s told a joke and she’s trying to be polite but doesn’t quite get it
My wife is so married that she even stopped blowing out the candles on her birthday cake cause she doesn’t want me gettin’ any ideas.
New diet plan: murder all the skinny people.
“Barista” is Italian for BA in liberal arts.
As Vladimir Putin announces he’s seeking re-election in 2018, world leaders congratulate him on his landslide victory.
“As a creative person I’m often asked where I get my ideas.” Yeah. As a creative person you often imagine people doing that but they don’t.
Dating profiles should make you share a sound bite of you sneezing.
Letting my cat know in a positive way that he’s looking very round today.
ZOMBIE: braaains
LION ZOMBIE: maaanes
KINKY ZOMBIE: caaanes
TARZAN ZOMBIE: jaaanes
PLUMBER ZOMBIE: draaains
DRIVING ZOMBIE: laaanes
TRAVELLING ZOMBIE: traaains
WALL STREET ZOMBIE: gaaains
If a tiger goes to bite you, confuse him by french kissing him.
You’ll probably still die, but at least you got to make out w/ a tiger.
Why are there 2 dragon smileys on Whatsapp?
“He winked at me, I should send him a dragon head.”
“No babe, this calls for a full dragon.”
“Please stop that.” -person who witnessed first guy beatboxing
10 puts the paper toilet roll on in the “under” position.
long story short he’s by the road with a for sale sign on.
Him: Let’s grill this steak
Me: *slams table, screams at steak* WHO SOLD YOU THE DRUGS
Him: that’s not-
Me: Refusing to talk? BIG MISTEAK
If your kid asks for a napkin it’s already too late.