My last name is Zilla.
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Fast and Furious 75: Tricked out motorized scooter racing in the assisted living bingo hall.
{Me to my dogs}
No more table scraps.
(5 seconds later)
Here you go.
When I’m eating shared nachos I’m always thinking 3 nacho moves ahead of my opponent.
I just got the lawnmower out and just like magic my sons disappeared
The rain is starting to worry me. I’m afraid that because I have a beard that my friends will expect me to build an ark.
One day, the fridge will take revenge on me, every half hour opening the door to my room, staring at me for a few minutes & then walk away.
Ancient cryptic thrice-translated self-contradictory texts are the best way to convey moral precepts.
Me: How can I make this funny?
Them: Change what funny is.
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
Greatest villain Gotham city was its city planner cuz I get folks need jobs but come on. Who zones many deadly toxic chemical factories in the middle of dense populated city. And also out for drain to go directly into the River system.
I need to stop by the Walmart pharmacy to get some antidepressants because of how much I just spent at Walmart.
I’m not laughing AT you, I’m laughing WITH other people at you.
My husband was out with a friend of ours and texted me that he had crazy news about him, then wouldn’t text me the news and said it had to be told in person, so I had no choice but to file for divorce.
Sorry I’m late, there was an octopus throwing pies at me so I was literally… Occupied
I had a near-death experience. I panicked and asked god what flavour cream soda was. God didn’t know either.
If hockey comes back this season we should be allowed to appoint one single fan to watch the games who’s only job is to shout “shoot!” on the power-play and occasionally bang on the glass.
When people ask me why I’m “confined” to a wheelchair, it makes it sound like a prison sentence. I want to say something like, “I ate too many free samples at Costco. I’ll be out in seven months.”
If a CW won’t take ownership of their mistake, the discussion about having them killed should at least be on the table, surely?
~ reason 153 why I’ve been asked to visit HR ‘for a chat’ this year.
Date: I usually go for the dumbest people possible
Me: *puts mask under my nose* you do?
Date: *biting lip* oh yea
My parents let me watch Grease constantly when I was a kid & then they were all, whoa why is our teenager always super drunk in tight pants?
What smells better than it tastes?
A nose.
me: time for some laundry 🙂
laundry machine: ok 🙂
me: ok time to dry 🙂
dryer: i’ve invented a new knot. it transcends humanity’s current understanding of geometry. and i am testing it for the first time on your sheets
I was raised Catholic. I know all the rules. And I broke most of them. 😈
So according to the PM, we’re being asked to vote on basis of a plan which we are not allowed to see. You can tell she’s a vicar’s daughter.
My favorite child is the one who can always find the remote.
At the dr’s office: “So, do you think this is a hemorrhoid?”
My therapist:
If you aren’t amazed by a plant showing up after you put a seed in the ground, we have nothing to talk about. Unless you’re like, really hot.
Always the bridesmaid, never the winner of the office costume party because I keep going as a bridesmaid