Starve a cold. Feed a fever. Humiliate a rash. Flatter a migraine. Friendzone diarrhea. Date cramps. Bring anxiety home to meet the family.
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Sneaking alcohol into work is pretty easy if you put it in your stomach first.
Plowing through the mosh pit like hi *boop*…hi *boop*…hi *boop*
The genie sang that whole song about how he’s gonna be Aladdin’s best friend ever right in front of the monkey
Caveman Summer
Dad: Go. Play. Outside.
8: But I want to draw on walls
D: GO!
8: Fine!
*he goes
Mom: Why don’t you go with him?
D: Dinosaurs
5-year-old: Why is there a baseball bat under your bed?
Me: In case there’s a burglar.
5:
Me:
5: Why do burglars like to play baseball?
me tracking my package 5 minutes after i just ordered it
The easiest way to bundle your home and auto insurance is to live in your car.
[after I cut a bagel] would you like the side that is somehow three times larger than the original bagel or the side that is the first object ever to have only two dimensions
In the spirit of ‘Cancel Culture’ so to speak, can we just go ahead and cancel the middle school dioramas????
Im out of cotton balls. 😒
1. Say “Eye” 2. Spell the word “Map” 3. Say “Ness”
Robbing a bank and getting away in a hot air balloon is on my bucket list.
I have a book called Overcoming Procrastination that I bought in 2003 that I’ve never read
[planning heist]
Me: then we access the vault
Guy: I don’t think they have a vault
Me [mocking]: yeah I bet they jus leave the Mcflurrys out
Marking my last weekend of living single by finishing off these 19 cans of baked beans
Not only did I finally find my car keys when I sat down on the couch I also got my first piercing
I have no sense of decency. That way all my other senses are enhanced…
that moment when your spouse asks if you’re listening and yes is not the right answer but no is also not the right answer
Boss: Why weren’t you at work last week?
Me: Why are you living in the past?
Never apologize in your voicemail for not answering the phone. You’re not sorry. Own that shit. “Hey, I don’t like you. Leave a message.”
carolers: *knock on door*
(Simon Cowell answers the door)
carolers: *gulp*
thesaurus had the greatest vocabulary of all the dinosaurs
A lady at the apple orchard disco the other night asked if I was born a man or a woman and I, drunk, beckoned her close to whisper and then hollered I WAS BORN A BABY into her ear
mother: I just threw up a little in my mouth
baby birds: yay! dinner time
BOSS: it’s national replace H’s with F’s day
ME: really?
BOSS: yep, you’re hired!
ME: hahaha-wait
BOSS: get out
ME: what the huck?
*walks into hospital carrying baby*
“What’s your return policy on this thing?”
CORONA VIRUS TIP:
If you have a donut in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face or shake hands.
50% of Roger Federer‘s name is “er”
It’s been a horrible morning so far. My ex got run over by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver 🙁
When a man tells me he’s looking for a ‘real woman’ I scurry away because I’m actually three owls in a raincoat AND HE MUSTN’T FIND OUT.