State Farm
Like a good neighbor, stay on your side of the yard, pretend I’m not there, and let’s have as little interaction as possible.
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unlike drugs, twitter addiction won’t cost you anything, except your social life
Captcha: Click on every photo of a real tunnel
Wile E Coyote: oh no
I dunno why but this feels like a trap
Can I go out and do drugs tonight dad?
EXCUSE ME?!
*sighs* MAY I go out and do drugs tonight dad
*snaps newspaper* that’s better
For today’s Florida story, I bring you Michael Marolla, who was just arrested in Collier County with a live alligator in the bed of his pickup, two firearms, and multiple syringes loaded with meth.
If you want to see a true tyrant in action, put one of your kids in charge of the other ones.
Today your brother-in-law will announce his plan to defeat ISIS. Happy Thanksgiving.
Seriously.
Who gets “regular strength” ANYTHING?!
“Yeah, go ahead & gimme your middle-of-the-road shit. I’d like this headache to LINGER.”
Mall security asked me to empty my pockets.
My response was “you won’t find a better job or respect in my pockets”
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
waiter: is something wrong
me: what asshole serves quinoa with a burger
waiter: sir, don’t hate the plater…
me: oh no
waiter: hate the grain
I like to think of brunch as the purest form of anarchy. Want a burger between 2 waffles? Go for it. Scrambled eggs on a brownie? Heck yeah! Toss some onion rings in those Froot Loops, you are ungovernable. For 90 glorious minutes, all rules of polite society have been suspended.
Interviewer: How did you hear about the position?
Me: *sweating profusely* W-with my ears.
sure sex is great but have you ever waved goodbye to houseguests
Me as a kid: I’m bored.
What my parents heard: “I would like some manual labor please.”
I is smart
I is kind
I is important
I is in the wrong office– I thought to myself after having wine for lunch
Life hack: shave your head so you can sleep at your desk without messing up your hair.
a kid i met insisted she visited the “vampire state building” and i couldn’t bring myself to correct her
I don’t want to be cremated when I die. I want my body thrown on a group of unsuspecting, cocky teens in a haunted house.
Lionel Ritchie being British :
🎵 Hello!
Is it tea you’re looking for? 🎵
(Hugging)
Me: you smell good. Is that a new cologne?
Him: No, I dropped turkey gravy on my shirt earlier.
Me: That’s a good smell for you. Maybe try a white peppercorn version next time.
Him:
I just ordered a Fitbit and my bank called to see if my card was stolen.
Cashiers are always checking me out
The very first thing my 3yo daughter said to me this morning was “I know how to start a fire!” so nothing you guys say today can scare me.
Not gonna elaborate, but I just found out the hard way that the phrase isn’t “self defecating humour”
Turns out a spiral-cut ham will not walk down stairs like a Slinky.
You’re more likely to die falling down a flight of stairs than from being attacked by a shark especially if I’m standing behind you.
Might start wearing turtlenecks so that when I want someone to stop talking to me, I can just unroll the neck up over my face
A faceplant is the ultimate fusion cuisine