*stationary for 7 hours*
Me: “Actually, I’m not sure this is one of those driverless cars.”
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We need a grocery store aisle for 4-year-olds’ unreasonable requests:
– Chicken nuggets but with fish (NOT fish sticks, are you insane?)
– Cold hot chocolate, but the marshmallows still melt
– Crackers with fewer crumbs (ok, that one’s for the parents, but still)
You guys ever see the Malaysian Matrix
This Halloween I’m going as that friendly guy who walked around your college campus but wasn’t even enrolled & turned out to be 28 & then disappeared completely
‘I’ll cut a bitch.’
– veterinarian explaining his spaying procedure
Even though Janice had always wanted an extravagant wedding, she couldn’t help but feel putting toilet paper on the bridal registry was a bit over the top.
the moon landing, except it’s the moon, landing on earth. everyone is just as excited. at first.
“what qualifications do u have to work as a zookeeper?”
*slides resume across desk*
“I think this speaks for itself”“sir…that’s a parrot”
Wife: can you please stop referring to our entire marriage as your “awkward phase”
Working on my new impression, “drummer having a blast.” Keep an eye out for “guitarist who’s really feelin’ it.”
“Bob is coming over for dinner tonight.”
Bob from work or Bob that ended the dinosaurs?
*the sky turns red and warm*
CONCERT
AC/DC: Who’s ready to be Thunderstruck?
CROWD: *screams
ME: [from front row] IT’S IMPOSSIBLE TO BE STRUCK BY THUNDER!
[getting murdered]
Hang on, let me clear my browsing history
A moment of silence please. Not for anyone in particular, everyone just shut up.
If I ever post that I’ve hit the gym, it’s only because I lost control of my car.
Never underestimate an underachiever. We’re capable of less than you think.
My dog has been sleeping on the floor right below me so if I get off the couch he knows that I’ve moved. He’s been lying there for 5 hours. We’re both dedicated to our lifestyles
Husband: I love you.
Me: I have a boyfriend.
Carol from Facebook said she’s “taking it one day at a time,” so I responded “me too. That’s how days work.”
when people say they’re into genealogy I pretend to be interested, but deep down I know magic lamps aren’t real
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
If pizza places cold called people’s homes and asked if they wanted to order a pizza, I guarantee you their business would triple.
My husband walked into the kitchen and asked, “What’s burning?” I told him, “The world. But what you smell is the chicken.”
Oh the world we live in…
ME: “I’m thankful for my skeleton because if I didn’t have my skeleton, I would look like a blobfish.”
THERAPIST: “Okay, I suppose that counts as the one thing you like about yourself, this week.”
Guy science: The proper amount of time for a pan to soak before cleaning it is until you need to use it again.
Like an octopus negotiating a roomful of toddlers, I negotiate a roomful of toddlers.
casual sex implies the existence of ranked competitive sex
U talkin 2 me?
Can I still get fat if I snort Mac n Cheese powder?
Friend: Would you ever get a tattoo?
Me: Never
Him: You’re afraid to make a permanent mistake.
Me: *looks at my 4 kids* Way ahead of you.