Killer: *over the phone* I’m watching you
Me: ooh, what am I wearing
Killer:
Me: sorry, what are *you* wearing I’m bad at this
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A Match(.com), but for socks.
[at Eminem show]
Cuz I am / whatever you say I am /
[from crowd]
“Ur a pony! Ur a tablecloth!”
The shapeshifting continues for hours.
Her: Did you just ask that woman out?
Me: Yes…
Her: And? What’d she say?
Me: Well, her lips said No but, her eyes said “Read My Lips.”
My 5yo was kind enough let me know that breakfast was gross but she liked the texture
I gotta take better care of myself. Today at the park a guy asked me if I would pretend to be his son from the future to scare him into eating right.
Her: I’m sorry my baby keeps crying. He’s got teeth coming in.
Me: Well, don’t worry, I’ll sign for them…
Fact: If you eat a slice of pizza fast enough, your body won’t understand how many calories are in it.
My wife wants me to take a walk with her today. I’ll be on a short leash though so I won’t run off into the woods like last time.
Agent: I have a script for you.
Daniel Radcliffe: Is it weird?
Agent: Yes.
Radcliffe: I’ll do it.
Ain’t no mountain high enough
Ain’t no valley low enough
Ain’t no high-security psychiatric hospital strong enough
To keep me from yooou
Me: Can you recommend books to me?
Librarian: Sure, they’re great
Religious rituals and prayers sound really creepy when you replace “Jesus” with “Jeff”
When you and your favorite bird are very high at the zoo
How’m I going to 80’s montage myself out of this one?
Margaret Thatcher died?? And more importantly, Margaret Thatcher was still alive??!!
due to personal reasons i have decided to make even less sense to people who will never get me
Nav: ‘Take the next left turn.’
Me: ‘That’s not right.’
Nav: ‘No shit.’
Life hack: McDonald’s will deliver if you tell them that you are holding Ronald hostage for a ransom of [your desired food order]
Please continue finishing your text in the crosswalk, Mr. Pedestrian. It’s not like I’m driving a giant metal instrument of death.
My 3 year old reported seeing a spider-cricket and I couldn’t find it so we’re outside watching the house burn.
I just want to have the poker face of a toddler that tells you that they didn’t poop their pants.
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
how much does a mortician urn in a year
ME: 3 Big Macs please. lol it’s my cheat day
CLERK: you ordered the same thing yesterday
ME:[leans in] why don’t u mind your own gd business
After getting married, my wife used to joke that she will now have sex with only one person for the rest of her life.
Turns out she was talking about her boyfriend.
Bigfoot is real… or rather he was real and quite delicious.
In RL I’m a car salesman. Which means its my job to know how many bodies fit in the trunk of a car officer. This is all work related.
I dipped my toe into social media in 2015. I should have severed that toe.
He said I won his heart and I was all “Ugh can I just win like $20? How about a sweater from Sears? A pencil? I could really use a pencil.”
On a 1st date, I like to order the family meal so he gets an idea of who he’s dealing with.