hey sory i just saw this mesage u sent last month even tho all my notifications make sounds and my phone is in my hand even when im sleeping
You Might Also Like
Going to get a facial today… this guy on Craigslist is offering a way lower price than the salon!
It’s like Santa didn’t even care that Rudolph had a coke problem?
The free hotel blow-dryer should be easier to get off the bathroom wall.
“Mr. Trump how will you beat Hillary Clinton?”
TRUMP: I’ll win NY, Florida, Ohio, we’re going to add states, Gerzona, Timbaland, Waterworld
When your kid says “I told you I knew how to be good” and you start getting flashbacks of all the times when they didn’t know at all
[murder scene]
DETECTIVE: Let’s run through the suspects.
PARTNER: Okay.
DETECTIVE: Who’s the most likely?
PARTNER: The husband, for sure.
DETECTIVE: Who else?
PARTNER: Her business partner.
DETECTIVE: And, the least likely?
PARTNER: *shrugs* Tom Hanks, I guess.
Son: But I’m not hungry!
Me: I heated that pop tart for 22 seconds! You’re gonna eat!
2 friends and I once pulled the 3 kids in a trenchcoat trick & killed a man got tried as an adult but when they hung mike, paul & I fell out
WAITER: room for dessert?
ME: no thanks, we’ll just eat it right here
Fitness instructors who resist the temptation to yell out YOUR OTHER LEFT are alright.
Facebook Friend: I woke up at 3:30am so I could sneak in a 8 mile run.
Me: I skipped showering so I could sleep an extra 15 minutes.
“I’m totally against the selfie-stick but every now and then an exception comes along.”
Credit: AndrewBloch
The only thing that can stop a bad guy with a hot glue gun is a good guy with a hot glue gun.
You’re playing checkers and I’m over here playing with this horsey
This is the cockiest hospital i have ever seen
Yesterday, I build a closet. Today, I’m making jam. Tomorrow, I’m ending inequality. Jk, I’m reenacting Connan the barbarian with sock puppets
Me: I think I’ll go for a run
⠀
My back: oh no, I can’t handle this
⠀
My brain: WHAT THE HELL ARE WE DOING?
⠀
My heart: Nope. I am not okay with this.
⠀
My lungs: I got this guys! *completely stop working*
All those years of karate training wasted …
I’ve never once had to paint a fence or wax a car ….
becoming “fast friends” with someone is fun, but let’s not forget fast enemies. you ever meet someone and immediately you’re just like oh yeah this person is my enemy now
cant believe language was invented. like everyone was chill and quiet and then one day someone just started saying some shit
My 6 year old keeps trying to play with me. What does he think I had his little sister for?!
Her: Hey, look at my selfie! I went to have my hair & makeup done today.
Me: So, they were closed?
Her:
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Impossible.
Me: What? Why?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
Donald Trump’s chief speechwriter is a random deck from Cards Against Humanity.
Panera VP of Marketing: Our sales have gone up 41% since our lemonade killed two people.
CEO: Dang it. That means-
Panera VP of Marketing: Yes, we have to put a gun inside our buffalo chicken melt.
It’s all fun and games until you send the clapping emoji instead of the prayer hands when commenting on the news of a death in the family.
Psychic: Bruce Willis was dead the entire time! I did not see that coming at all.
Me: I’d like my money back.
*first day as Robin Hood
“Ok, this is a TERRIBLE business model.”
Going to the moon must be terrifying because you’ve got no way to tell if you’re seeing werewolves there or just regular moon wolves.
Stages of gardening:
1. Excitedly gather supplies
2. Start pulling weeds
3. Kneel in nest of ants
4. Get bitten by 40 ants
5. Be done gardening