It should be: “COVID-19 declared a pandemic by WHOM.”
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If you don’t answer your kid’s tenth “MOM!”, I will…and what I say will keep them awake for 3 days. Better ask “what?”
12: I can’t wait to be an adult.
Me: I can’t wait for you to find out how wrong you were about this.
[at divorce lawyer]
bad news, currently all your husbands assets are frozen
“he didn’t”
he bought 1547 copies of it, he must really hate you
My dad never missed an opportunity to work during a family vacation. I never understood why until I had kids.
I experienced this today. I decided I’m a genius. 😂
Rob somebody at gunpoint today, show the world how serious you are at nicknaming your new friend Robert.
Reading tweets about the demise of cursive and remembered a man born in 1911 who printed in tiny capitals instead of cursive. He worked for a corporation. I wish I had asked him about it.
Do NOT do this 🙄🙄
Text your husband “I know your secret” and he’ll bring you home so many awesome presents!
You don’t even need to know what the secret is!
It’s cute how alcohol comes in a paper bag so when you hit rock bottom you have something to hyperventilate into.
oh my gosh!!
Neighbors of serial killers always describe them as “really nice” people.
Who else is a “really nice” neighbor?
Canada.
I’m just sayin’
I’m not the person to call if you need someone to stop you splurging on 10 new books. I’m the one that will hand you the 11th
5: There’s a werewolf in my closet.
Me: Nah. Werewolves don’t live in closets.
5: Where do werewolves live?
Me: Um…warehouses.
I had to use first and middle names on my daughters today for overly rough play in the pool.
Ages 22 and 25. With 401ks. This never stops.
Friend: Hey Karanbir! Long time no see. How’s your brother?
Me: He has moved on to a better place.
Friend: OMG that’s terrible! He was so young!
Me: Oh he didn’t die. He moved to Canada.
I’m about to lose 20 pounds.
*Releases the weight of everyone’s expectations off my shoulders.
Me: the refrigerator wasn’t built for this
Her: all the food?
Me: no this penguin
My 5/o just said “That’s Classic!!” WTF is classic to a 5 y/o? Blues Clues??
today i learned that up to half of the worker ants in a colony are only pretending to work. just looking busy so they don’t get tasked with anything. i respect ants so much more
WE ARE CURRENTLY EXPERIENCING HIGH CALL VOLUMES. WE RECOMMEND HOLDING THE PHONE AWAY FROM YOUR EAR.
Last month my mom asked what “af” meant and I said it meant “like REALLY something” without saying what it stood for
Unless you have stellar reflexes, throwing a bouncy ball at your spouse during an argument is not the best choice.
Interviewer: How are you with stress?
Me: We’re well acquainted.
DATE: My ex was spineless & I don’t think I could date anyone like that again
ME, AN OCTOPUS: what
I just went for a morning run on the beach so it’s nice to know that exercise can ruin any setting.
Therapy isn’t enough. I need to run my brain through the dishwasher.
I tried being the bigger person but all it got me was type 2 diabetes.
Boss: This is the third time you’ve been late for work this week. Do you know what that means?
Me: That it’s only Wednesday