@daplusk: Statistically if driving a stake through the heart kills vampires, we're all vampires.
@InsouciantMan: Any man can undress a woman with his eyes. Be different. Undress her with your nose.
@TheTweetOfGod: I listen to your prayers, but only to correct their grammar.
@viktorvaughan: My plan is simple. Drink Vodka until I start speaking Russian.
@XplodingUnicorn: Me: I set a record for the rope climb in high school.
4-year-old: You climbed it the fastest?
My wife: He cried the most.
@SweetTweetsBRO: Trees have done a lot of shady things in their lives.