here we see Penny the diving kitty mid-triple pike, let’s see if she lands this one Steve
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Beef jerky is great for when you want a healthy, hearty snack and you hate twenty dollars
Ever notice how a piece of lint on a sheet can look like a scary insect?
Unrelated, is anyone selling a mattress? Mine is on fire.
Cashier: What kind of lettuce is this?
Me: Apples!
*removes “works well under pressure” from resume*
When it’s “buy one, get one free,” I have them put the free one in a separate bag so I don’t get them mixed up.
Things my dating coach and I are working on:
– holding doors open for the ladies
– no karate at the table
– my cursive
– incense sticks are not currency
– drinking milk with only one hand
– not doing jazz hands every time I toot
I believe it is important to be an organ donor, which is why I am willing to donate my second chin to anyone missing a chin.
i hope the maker of this enjoys jail because i’m calling the police
“Boo!” — cow with a cold
17 Again is a stupid movie. You dont look that different when you get like 30 years older. If my dad was 17 again I would recognize him and be like “what the heck” immediately. And so would my mother, his wife of 20 years. I am so mad about this on July 24 at 2:15 am.
DR DOG: *gives kid patient a sucker*
MOM: what do u say
KID: thanks mr dog
DD: kid I didnt go to med school for 56 years to be called Mr Dog
My toxic trait is my personality or so I’ve been told.
I got a pocket got a pocket full of sunshine
Sunshine: Please let me go. I have children.
Wife : The neighbours are banging on our front door again.
Me : Why can’t they do it in a bed, like normal people?
I’m beginning to suspect this fat phase isn’t a phase
Is my bath bomb supposed to be ticking?
You know you’re a mom when you need deep, calming breaths because he’s eating two hot pockets, 10 minutes before dinner.
I love it when my toddler falls asleep with sunglasses on it’s like my own personal weekend at bernie’s.
Is it considered rude to ask your boss if it hurt when the house fell on her in The Wizard of Oz?
My relationship with tea has always been strained.
I know you’re the instructor but I’ve seen Ghost 47 times so I know for a fact this IS how pottery is made!
My life is like a Disney movie in that I’m grumpy, dopey, sleepy, and sneezy most of the time and I once got caught brushing my hair with a fork
When I asked for some alone time, I didn’t mean when I was bringing in the groceries.
Awake in the streets,
Asleep in the sheets.Did I do that right? I don’t get it.
Wife holding bank statement: What’s this payment?
Me: we’re sponsoring a panda!
W: so is this monthly?
M: No, it’s just for the one skydive
Why are they called “nuns” when chickmonks was sitting right there?
Them: *typing professionally on their computer*
Me: *pretending I’m Beethoven, while typing supercalifragilisticexpialidocious*
Him: You matter
Me: I know, Tarzan. We all are
No, I understood you perfectly. I just have resting confused face.
LOOK WHAT HAPPENED TO MY DASHBOARD DUCK PFPFODKDDBDB