Pronouncing words correctly is not my fort.
You Might Also Like
when the waiter comes by to see how the food tastes and I’m not ready
OMG IT’S GOING TO KILL US ALL!!
~ My dog every time I use a broom
Therapist: don’t take things personally
Me: [literally a conscious being that experiences life from a first-person perspective] ok I’ll try
Sending a letter to Netflix informing them that I’m currently unemployed and the “are you still watching?” question is 100% not necessary.
*sees a hot girl on the train*
“ay gurl check this out”
*i try to seductively eat a banana but i miss my mouth & smush it into my forehead*
If I worked in a used record store I would tell every customer “all sales are vinyl” until I was fired.
It would be worth it.
i see a little silhouetto of a bug
IT’S A WASP IT’S A WASP
can we close the damn window
[paleontology class]
PROFESSOR: can anyone tell me the period in which dinosaurs went extinct?
STUDENT: uh the Jurassic?
PROFESSOR: bingo!
STUDENT: *smug look*
PROFESSOR: *marking paper* I just finished my dumb answers bingo, it was the Cretaceous
7: can we have an awake-over tonight?
me: an awake-over?
7: it’s like a sleepover but without the sleep
Hamburger Helper only works if the hamburger is ready to accept that it needs help.
My 3yo asked me if she could shave the window and it took me a couple minutes to figure out that she wanted to use the squeegee.
I don’t have a 17 step nightly skin regimen; I need that time to google if a Crocodile would win a fight with an Alligator.
doctor: your body is weak. take care of it
mobster: got it
[later, gun to his chest]
mobster: doctor sends his regards
Just saw a BMW double-parked at the grocery store. Nature is healing.
My mom is terrified of how fast I drive on the freeway, so I’m preparing a soothing little playlist for when she comes to visit in a few weeks
News “Don’t go outside. The temperatures are life threatening”
Hot flash “LOL. Challenge accepted.”
No, I don’t think I’m a vampire. I just bite people that I think look delicious. That’s a totally normal human thing to do.
Me: Oof my belly.
My wife: Yeah you need to lose some weight.
Me: Yeah
[5 minutes later]
Wife: Oh did I tell you there’s pie?
[10 more minutes]
Wife: By the way I brought home a loaf of callamata olive bread last night, so eat some.-The dangers of a grocery store clerk spouse
[meeting at amc network]
“Okay so how can we make everyone in Walking Dead look like they smell even worse this season?”
Babe, calm down. I don’t think you heard me. They’re MAGIC beans.
Friend: You’re so calm and quiet lately- I like this peaceful side of you
Me [my brain rotating like an insanely out-of-control taffy machine]: haha thanks
This is not my forté. It’s not even my threeté if I’m being honest.
[algebra class]
KID: This is so stupid
TEACHER: You may need it in your job
KID: What job?
TEACHER: …
KID: …
TEACHER: Algebra teacher?
Me: *hanging off a cliff*
Kids: Mom! Mom! Mom! Mom!
Me: Oh thank goodness! Kids, go get-
Kids: What’s for dinner?
the hamster has finally figured out her wheel. is it possible for her to exercise too much? should I take the wheel out sometimes? I’m worried she’s about to start a fitness instagram
interviewer: why’d u quit ur last job
me: the company moved
interviewer: where to
me: they didn’t tell me
“We run a tight ship” barked the captain, his shoulders barely getting thru the doorway “Real tight.”
he turns sideways to fit down the hall
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked?? It’s not like your clothes die too…
mom: no TV for a week!
dad: and after you take a bath you can’t use your hands to get out of the tub
*sons jaw drops*
mom: [whispers] nice