STATUS: Using the flashlight on my phone to look for the keys that are in my hand so I can open my car cuz I think I left my phone in there.
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The inventor of Chapstick died today. Unfortunately his body was lost while being transferred to the morgue.
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
I bought a treadmill because I ran out of closet space for my clothes.
Mama Bear: The porridge is ready
Papa Bear: Perfect let’s leave for a couple of hours
hello i have a very silly piece about hot dogs in the new yorker today!
you can read the whole thing here:
Them: Do any vampires die in this movie?
Me: No it’s pretty low stakes.
If I had to give up one of my senses what would I pick? My sense of impending doom, I guess.
“how come you never post me?” i only post jokes on here babe and you not a joke to me
If the stick figure people started committing more crimes… I could be a legendary sketch artist for the FBI.
having children is a pyramid scheme.
“Always give your food a rinse before you eat it,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made terrible sandwiches.
Me: Pfft.. There is scientific evidence that a woman’s brain is lighter than a man’s.
Her: Perhaps because it gets more exercise.
You think if you die with a yeast infection, you’ll rise from the dead?
Grading system for students in India:
A – Average
B – Below average
C – Can’t have dinner
D – Don’t come home
F – Find a new family
911, what’s your emergency?
Me (whispering): I’m holding a bagel in my right hand
Are you left handed?
No but I couldn’t use my right thumbprint to unlock my iPhone so I used the emergency button
Okay but why are you whispering?
I don’t want the killer to know I have a bagel
Two things Twitter cultivates and encourages:
1. instant gratification
2. sense of impatient entitlement
3. misunderstanding of basic math
Him: “I feel-”
Me: “I FEEL IT TOO. IT’S JUST LIKE PHOEBE SAID. YOU’RE MY LOBSTER.”
Him: “-gassy.”
In lieu of burial, Mr. Peanut will be dry roasted and his remains will be scattered on the floor of a Texas Roadhouse.
My son said his friend’s parents took him to Disney World for getting good grades and suddenly I’m not angry about his C- in math anymore.
me: hey have you seen my keys?
patient I just operated on: no
me: go like this *wiggles*
I really like the word aesthetic, it’s so pleasant on the eye. I wonder if there’s a word to describe that.
State Farm
Like a good neighbor, stay on your side of the yard, pretend I’m not there, and let’s have as little interaction as possible.
I like running up to kids, punching a puppy in the face and screaming “WHERE IS YOUR GOD NOW?” And that’s my long-term solution to religion.
I’ve only been eating 6 spiders instead of 8 every year so I’ll have plenty for retirement.
There’s a woman reading the bible on the tube. Fighting the urge to lean over to her and say “He dies at the end”.
Coworker: What was your college major?
Me: How to avoid student-loan debt, with a minor in teen pregnancy.
Just found out my parents have had a life insurance policy on me since I was 6mo old with them as the beneficiaries. I’m 44 now. I see they’re playing the long game…
[standing in driveway with wife]
I thought we agreed on a Prius
[giant eagle pecks at saddle]
NO THIS IS BETTER
A tinder type app, but it matches you with sandwiches in the area.
If you see a kid who’s physically unusual somehow, be sure to mention it to the parents. Odds are, they’ve never noticed and will thank you.