Sorry I’m late, I was down at the police station filing assault charges against the mammogram machine
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It’s not the fact that that we all swallow 8 spiders a year that gets to me. It’s the fact that 56 billion spiders a year make that choice.
“Pick a card, any card, make sure you memorize it, now put it back with the rest”: me, with my wife at the Hallmark Store on Valentine’s Day
I am looking properly as I cross the road my child said as her face disappeared completely inside her hood each time she looked left and right.
Egg drop soup
Egg clumsy
Egg bad waiter
Egg fired again
Egg turn to life of crime
Harry Potter accidentally hits ‘reply owl’
Password security questions be like: What’s your middle name? Why are you single? What’s wrong with your big toe?
My child who doesn’t like pickles: *sees me eating a pickle* can I have a pickle?
Money doesn’t grow on trees sounds like something rich people would say so you don’t go looking for their money trees
Me: What did you do today while I was at work?
Dog: Me? Nothing. Just slept.
Me: I think you’re lying.
Dog: *visibly sweating* why do you say that?
In the beginning there was darkness.
Because my dad had gone around shutting off every light in the world to save energy.
Interviewer: Tell me how did you hear about this job?
Me: Through sheer desperation and boredom, I applied to 215 jobs in 8 days while high and you responded
*sees dead squirrel on the road*
Oh, poor squirrel.
*realizes it’s just a sock*
*whispers*
poor sock
me: how was your camping trip
5 y/o: good
me: what’d you guys do
5 y/o: camped
dad: when i die, donate my body to science
[later]
me: *handing an urn to the first guy in a labcoat i see* uh here you go
Technically every mocking reply to a crypto bro is an NFT, because it’s a digital record of them being owned
a solar eclipse and a tree is like “aw man I was eating that”
I named a large spider I saw today in my bedroom “Cotton Eye Joe” because Where’d you come from. Where’d you go.
Maybe the caveman who discovered fire was wearing corduroys and running late for a meeting.
Bury me next to a kangaroo skeleton and put boxing gloves on me.
Silence is golden! Unless you have a toddler, then silence is very, very suspicious.
if you do what you love you’ll never work a day in your life because you’ll be unemployed
I believe in workplace drug testing.
That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.
Let’s test which one works faster.
[murder scene]
MORGAN FREEMAN: there are 7 deadly sins: Pride, greed, envy, lust, wrath and gl– [sees victim wearing crocs] There are 8 dea
Eatіng іn bed іs much better. Everythіng’s a napkіn.
The most difficult part about taking a personality test is deciding which personality should take it.
I walk around my yard a lot and usually I’m singing softly to myself as I do, which looks like I’m talking to myself because I’m not even listening to music, which is probably why people cross the street before they pass by my house
It’d be funny if Hannibal Lecter was a terrible cook. Just microwaving kidney quesadillas or whatever. Mac & cheese with chopped up fingers.
me: man, this is great! I only wish I’d taken up deadlifting sooner
Funeral Home Director: please leave.
[undoes GFs bra first time]
“wow have you been practicing?”
don’t be ridiculous
[me and dog exchange glances]
*stranded on island*
*puts message in bottle and throws it into sea*
*years later gets message back*
what’s updog?
*fist pump*