If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
You Might Also Like
I was going to do some yoga today, but had a donut instead
[at symphony concert]
*marimba part begins*
Me: *takes out iPhone* Hello?
Thoughts and prayers to my daughter who wrote a sentence that didn’t fit on one line.
Answer every question with “Yes, but is it deep-fried?”
[wakes up to crying in the night]
Wife: can you go check the baby
Me, climbing back into bed 2 mins later: yeah that was the baby
Ways that I am superior to dolphins:
– Am not afraid of being on dry land
– If you ask me to open an envelope, I do it quickly and it doesn’t get wet
– Faster at replying to emails
– Know more about the causes of World War 1
– Very rare for me to be swept up in a fishing net
Hand dryers are a great way to see how your hands look while skydiving.
People with pretty privilege?
You mean the gourgeoisie???
Biden: *picks nose*
Obama: Don’t.
Biden: *makes direct eye contact*
Obama: Joe.
Biden: *slowly brings finger to mouth*
[at a restaurant]
me: i think i misread your tinder bio
squirtle: squirtle.
I bet Ryan Gosling doesn’t even blow his candles out. He probably just winks at them and they faint.
How do I put this gently? You make me feel… unwet?
I walk my dog at night with a knife in my pocket just in case the person robbing me doesn’t have his own weapon to stab me with.
After we got the divorce she let me have everything. Except the jewelry, and of course something to keep it in. I call it “the house”..
I hate when someone is killed in a movie. While normal ppl watch the scene, all i’m doing is try to catch the dead character breathing.
I notice you only call when you want something
Person calling: ma’am your bill is 90 days past due
A local supermarket.
A customer asks “Do you have unsalted nuts?”
The new checkout boy freezes. He needs this job. But he may never get this chance again.
As a kid I taught myself to read. My brother stuck a peanut up his nose so he could be an elephant
He’s married with 3 great kids and a home now & I’m alone on a beanbag with Taco Bell on my 23rd episode of Forensic Files in a row so obvi I’m still the one making better choices
What if Fox News is just an 18 year long infomercial for teeth whitener?
I used to think “platitude” was just a really cool platypus.
Therapist sighs, sets down glasses, rubs the bridge of his nose. “For the last time, Christy, eating ham is not a life plan.”
[job interview]
“So why do you want to be a jeweler?”ME(thinking about using that eye thing to appraise chicken nuggets): I love rubies
Never underestimate mothers. They can turn “mayhem” into “ma’am” with one narrowed glance.
DOCTOR: Does it hurt when I do this?
*takes you out several times then acts distant*
i eat one snickers a day to build up immunity in case someone tried to kill me with snickers
People who forget to eat are amazing to me. I miss one meal and I’m burning bridges with immediate family members. I miss two that’s organ failure, total body and mind shutdown by the end of one calendar day
Me after completing a simple 10-minute task that I’d been putting off for 3 months
*Trying to converse at a party*
Me: Your hair and nails don’t really keep growing after you die- it’s that your skin is receding
Woman: Please stop talking and just make the balloon animals
‘I just liked camping alone, you know?’
~Jason Voorhees, in therapy
I’m not sure who looks more frightened & confused when someone knocks on my door, the dog or me?