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@thefurlinator: "I'll see you in hell" should be followed with "and I won't even stop to say hi". Otherwise you're just making plans with someone you hate
@undeadmolly: I deliberately mispronounce 'quinoa' and then adjust the server's tip according to how condescending they are when they correct me.
@Spotzwoj: The best time to reexamine your life is when you find yourself reluctantly nodding to the questions asked at the start of an infomercial.