I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a mussel.
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Him: Toast me some bread please?
Me *raising wine glass
Here’s to bread!
She just assumed the chocolates I brought to the date were hers and not my pre dinner snack.
[BANK ROBBERY]
TELLER: The cops have you surrounded.
ROBBER *red dot zeroes in on his chest*: no no NO!
[He’s taken out by dozens of cats]
Dear trick-or-treaters: Would it kill you to say “thank you” when I hand you a freshly made egg salad sandwich?
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah dude, it’s me, your partner
I heard if you click that little follow button, Twitter releases one of the captive birds it uses for its logo. Do the right thing.
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
My OnlyFangs is just me snapping my teeth at the camera and biting someone occasionally.
Considered selling feet and/or leg pics but then I realized I’d have to actually shave and ain’t nobody got time for that
Artist: I wonder why my back hurts all the time
Artist while drawing:
I told my 2yo I was coming to his preschool holiday party and he looked really worried and said, “but what chair will you sit in?” Glad to know anxiety about literally nothing is genetic.
Stay humble, you are someone’s weird coworker.
Perks of being an adult: I can eat 8 cookies, no one can stop me.
Cons of being an adult: I ate 8 cookies, no one stopped me, I feel awful.
duck: quack?
me:
duck: quack?
me: no
duck: …quistal meth?
The most unrealistic thing about The Walking Dead is that a couple who had a kid after 2000 would’ve named it Carl.
Husband: Wow! The house looks amazing. We should invite ppl over more often so you keep it this clean.
I’m going to need help writing his obituary.
Some BODY once told me
Your plums
were in the icebox
Forgive me
for this breakfast disgraceI was looking kinda dumb
with a plate
all full of plums
so sweet
so cold
and stuffed in my face
A couple of years ago, I convinced my son I don’t know how to clap. He’s been trying to teach me ever since. I’m hoping I can keep this going til I stand up and slow clap during his high school graduation
[presents children to cashier]
I’d like to return these faulty condoms lol
If you are reading this then you are reading this
I just farted & my dog looked at me like i asked her a calculus question
Not to get political, but gravy is a soup.
That face-melting Nazi guy in ‘Raiders of the Lost Ark’ but it’s just my makeup the second I step outside in the summer.
BREAKING NEWS: lost city of atlantis found in detroit pothole
Always leave them wanting their money back.
I haven’t been to Starbucks in two weeks and I’ve saved eight thousand dollars.
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
waiter: is everything ok?
me: *bubble noises*
*interrupts dinner
“IS THAT CLOCK REALLY YOUR GRANDFATHER!?”
When I go jogging, I listen to a portable CD player, so people think I’ve been running for 10 years.
I passed a sofa on the expressway on my way to work….. I’ve never wanted to pull over so bad in my entire life