AC changed bail to basil, and now I’m sitting in jail with some lovely herbs.
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The perfect introvert’s party cake doesn’t exis…
“lassie i don’t see anyone at the bottom of this well. are you sure-” timmy felt the paws on his back. his eyes widened as he understood…
*gets down on one knee*
Why run with scissors when you can run with bananas which are far less dangerous and also tasty snacks.
Giving my wife a bikini wax for the first time. Should I wake her up or just let it be a surprise?
Ever notice when you need to delete a phone app and you get the icons jiggling? They seem all panicky about who’s getting cut from the team
Much like the giant panda and the snow leopard, the 20-something white girl without a wrist tattoo is now an endangered species.
You’re either you’re frolicking in this meadow with me, or you’re frolicking in this meadow against me.
*walks into starbucks*
Me: HEY ANY ASPIRING AUTHORS HERE?? SOMEONE FROM PENGUIN PUBLISHING OUTSIDE!!!
*has choice of any table*
OH MY GOD I FORGOT TO UNPLUG THE TOASTER
[flash to dog in sunglasses waiting for his fifth batch of waffles to pop up]
The scariest sound is an unknown crash followed by my 9 year old yelling “It’s OK! There’s nothing wrong! You don’t need to come up here”
Picture us, making love. Wrong. More cheese.
Credit card company: Sir, you have an outstanding balance.
Me: Thanks. I do yoga.
COP: I’m arresting you
ME: oh no
COP: You must make one phone call
ME: OH NO
Always blow your man. Pamdé went two weeks without blowing Anakin and we all know what happened to that dude.
Somewhere there’s a bat that witnessed their parents murder who now dresses like a human.
why everytime i get in the shower i hear someone raiding my house
Willie Wonka: Lickable wallpaper!
Oompa Loompa #24: We’ve done that.
Willie Wonka: But this time they’re laced with antidepressants!
Veruca Salt: The snozzberries taste like… like… *sniff* like I can forgive my mother…
What if we all do not exist and God is alone just imagining us?
Really wanted to be a therapist until I got a Twitter account and read some of you guys problems and I want nothing to do with that mess
Me: What would you give me if I can fit this whole waffle in my mouth?!
Wife: An uncontested divorce
My tweets use many of the same letters as Shakespeare.
To hairstylist: [makes series of incomprehensible gestures around my head shape] so exactly that or I’ll cry
If we’re talking & I start running my nails up & down your arm, I either really like you, or I’m looking for an artery close to the surface.
So I asked my husband to buy 6 potatoes.
Oh boy, I am desperate!
My bowels do churn.
Too many tacos!
I never will learn.
Pardon me, Sir!
I believe it’s my turn.– Horton Has to Poo
“What skills would you bring to the apocalypse?”
Me: Um, brooding real hard.
My almond-milk shake brings all the vegans to the yard, and they’re like …. “where’s your compost?”
My friend’s band is called Duvet.
It’s a cover band.
#parenting