We don’t have voluntary control over our internal organs because our brains don’t trust us enough to keep ourselves alive.
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If you collect the crumbs from one Nature Valley granola bar you can make three more granola bars.
this is a marine life reminder SHARK tails go side to side WHALE tails go up and down and WHALE SHARK tails go all diagonal like.
Coworker: Are you into heavy metal?
Me: Uranium is OK I guess.
C:
M:
C:
M:
C: I like Metallica.
That’s not even on the periodic table
Pro tip: when you have a drug test and they tell you to go to the bathroom in the cup, that means PEE. Always.
Mario: hey u up?
Princess: yeah y?
M: come over 😉
P: can’t. Kidnapped 🙁
M: Where? I’ll save u
P: castle. Up stairs, next 2 flagpole
M: k
Young God: ok, a little hydrogen and-
*chemistry set explodes*Mom: what was that?!
God: nothing! *scoops resulting universe into shoebox*
He called me an angel but I’m pretty sure he meant angle because I’m always right.
One time I tried to pull off the Ariana Grande cat ears but I just looked like Barf from Spaceballs.
VICTIM: First time murdering? I have a suggestion.
ME (sharpening my gun): Go on.
“We only had 5 channels and no remote” is the new “I walked uphill both ways, barefoot to school when I was a kid.”
i wear corduroys on every flight so that if we crash these thicc thighs can create the fire we need to survive.
Who does Amazon think I am?
I got my patience from waiting half the day to download a song from Limewire
Worm gf: would you still love me if I was a human?
Me: eh… let’s eh… let’s talk about something more realistic ok
[first date]
HER: i’m really into guys-
ME (eager to impress her): me too
THIS IS SPARTA!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY HOUSE IN CHICAGO!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY PERSIAN CAT!
*Next slide*
Leonidas, it’s getting late.
*Uses time machine to constantly go back to bed*
I have to stop watching TV with my kids. I keep comparing my dates to Bluey’s dad and nobody measures up.
Saw a house on zillow with a built-in wine fridge and it’s no longer for sale, so that will always be the one that got away
What’s the best martial art to teach a child? Nothing too aggressive; I just want my son to be able to defend himself. He’s 8 months old
“I drive like lightening.” “You drive fast?” “No. I hit trees.”
I have 2 words for you:
Waffle.
Pants.Also, I may be high from paint fumes.
The acute panic of my child going to hunt for batteries in my bedroom.
me (googling): sexy green m&m
fbi agent monitoring me: oh god not this again
Did 300 squats yesterday. Walking funny today. Embarrassed about being out of shape so I’m telling everyone that I had buttsex last night.
I’m at the age where I am about to make a dentist a lot of money.
hm, feeling a little stiff today. must be from all that (into megaphone) HIKING
It’s bullshit that my dog is a licensed therapy dog and he can’t prescribe medication
I’ve matured a lot. For example, I used to listen to Fall Out Boy and break stuff, but now I listen to Mozart and break stuff