Had a nightmare I’d gone blond and woke up with yellow hair. Turns out if you dye in your dreams…
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My wife is always like, “You answer the door, I don’t even have my bra on!” and for that reason, I have stopped wearing a bra.
Everyone knows someone with a shelter dog that is 50% Chihuahua and 50% 8 other breeds that is calmer than any other dog in the world and lives to 25. Everyone likes them. The dog is always called like Squirt or something
Dang, my 250 million year old salt has expired
If you eat a pot brownie and a Ken doll, you’ll poop a Matthew McConaughey.
her: why is there a duck on your shoulder?
me: he’s my life coach
her: you wanna go to olive garden?
*duck whispers in my ear*
me: that’s a yes
Of course I applaud when the food timer goes off. You don’t? Weirdo.
lawyer: “my client claims the altercation began because – and i quote – “he came at me sideways”
crab: “in my defence..”
[date doesn’t cry at the beginning of Up]
“I think we should see other people.”
Ratio should be pronounced like Daddio, which sounds like a really cool Rat.
Me: [in Airplane Mode] Don’t call me
Me: [in Airplane! Mode] Don’t call me Shirley
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
My boyfriend took me to dinner and insisted I order my food in a robot voice, so I took him to bed and insisted he make Chewbacca noises.
I don’t understand the expression “on the lamb.” If you’re running away, wouldn’t you choose a faster mount?
What’s it called when there’s a bunch of big dry leaves on a darkened path but only one of them comes tumbling towards you.
A rat. A rat is what.
I don’t mean to brag but I have the face of someone with a great personality
Tequila is made from a plant so you could say I’ve been vegan so far this weekend
[magic school bus]
KID: where are we going today
MS. FRIZZLE: the zoo
KID: but last week we went to SPACE
MS. FRIZZLE: im hungover, children
wife: some salmon travel hundreds of miles upstream just for the chance to spawn
me: ok ok I’ll take my shoes off
Dear microwave companies,
Why make us select “cook” at all? Does my appliance have a calculator function or something?
Sincerely,
Everyone
NFT’s are played out. For the rest of 2022 we’re buying real monkeys, straight cash
Therapist: You’re not really improving
Me: What if we pressed down on my foot and forehead at the same time and did a factory reset?
Therapist:
Me:
Therapist: well it’s worth a try
I’m doing the 30 day taco cleanse
it’s weird that a librarian and a book-keeper are different things
Hey guys who are angry that women are taking a stand against cat-calling, stop with all that scowling, you look so pretty when you smile!
*gets Ouija board*
Spirits, are there Pringles in the kitchen?
Farms in Mexico are measured in Hectors.
*crawls out of your television and tries to kill you* I’m not like other girls.
(Ok don’t let her know ur Jesus)
Girl: Meet my dad
*they shake hands*
*Dad stands up from wheelchair*
Dad: It’s a miracle!
Jesus: *facepalm*
GOOD COP: Three robberies in the same neighborhood …do you know what I’m thinking?
PSYCHIC COP: Yes
GOOD COP: Oh right
Her: What did you get for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Drunk!