Eye Exam Lamaze Class
Emergency
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Dilated Pupils
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My friend: I was waiting here and all was normal and then suddenly all hell broke loose
Me:
Me: So, you’ve been waiting at this bus stop since 2019?
A pregnant girl from my high school made her unborn child a Facebook and added me as a friend. I AM FRIENDS WITH AN EMBRYO YOU GUYS.
Encourage your children to be unfriendly so you can keep your weekends free of other kids’ parties.
‘Sorry I liked your Facebook status, I was using my laptop as a plate’- my autobiography
If I ever meet Morgan Freeman:
Wanna just come back to my place and sit at the end of my bed and tell me a bedtime story?
Please. nobody has to know.
Benefits of dating me:
1. You’re the smart one
[On phone to police]
Has there been a report of a pervert in the park?P: No, there hasn’t.
Me: oh good.
[Goes back to hiding in bushes]
So proud of myself…6 whole months without smoking! Today I was able to ride the elevator all the way to the top without getting winded.
Me : can you be my quarantine partner ?
Her : Hmmm …first , Show me your
stimulus packageMe : 🤦🏾‍♂️
Her : DO NOT TOUCH YOUR FACE.
[grocery store]
DAD: [wearing a ski mask]
SON: this is so embarrassing
MOM: hush- your father gets nervous when we have to buy toilet paper
Oh, so you’re a human?
name three pictures with traffic lights in them
Next time you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks, assert dominance by saying come in
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: no, not really-
ME: [already at home watching Netflix petting my dog]
Fact: A childless person coined the phrase “Sleep like a baby.”
I appreciate customer photos on Amazon because sometimes I think, “I would love to buy this item, but first, I need to see it at its saddest”
Me: I love my eyes
Shampoo: *cracks knuckles*
Facebook: I’m happy!
Instagram: I’m pretty!
Vine: I’m artsy!
Pinterest: I’m crafty!
Twitter: I’m lying everywhere but here.
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
Cat: *purr*
Me: Good morning!
Cat: *headbutts me* *purr*
Me: Aren’t you the sweetest thing!
Cat: *kneads me* *purr*
Me: Yes, I love you too!
Cat: *plots my gruesome death* *purr*
Nice that I’ll hear “Just a little prick” today because I’m giving blood samples and not from some random person replying to my tweets for once.
Bananas either ripen in 2 hours or 2 weeks there is no in between
I’m never a more ineffective parent than when I accidentally make threats that rhyme.
the Baltimore subreddit never disappoints me
One of the Monkees once told me that looking at Medusa would *actually* turn you into a baby semiaquatic rodent, but I had my doubts. Then I saw her face, now I’m a wee beaver.
Dads have to rest their eyes in the living room cause they see all the injustice in the world.
why are you, as a wallet company, giving away a $500 gift card? what am i gonna do? buy $500 worth of wallets?
If they’re right about the Mayan calendar and the world ends next week, I’m cool with that because the people whom I love know I love them.
Also, it means I don’t have to fix up this freaking house any more
“Omg, I literally just died”
-people who literally don’t know what literally means
Doctor: I’m sorry, but your Dad’s in a coma.
Teen: Huh?
Doctor: He’s in airplane mode now.
Teen: OHHH NOOOOO!!
It would be so creepy if instead of crying, babies were born laughing.