Idea: Breathalyzer tests at the airport, to make sure you’re drunk enough
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When I said I wanted to get sticky, I didn’t mean that I wanted to spill my slushie all over the place.
My car alarm is the driver’s door falling off onto the foot of an unsuspecting thief.
Satan: I’m gonna torture you for eternity
Me: I’m gonna call your dad and tell him how high you have the heat turned up in here
Satan: wait no
if you don’t respond to my email when i am alive don’t expect me to reply to your ouija board questions when i am dead.
Seeing all the praise for Conan it’s time I told my own special Conan story. Years ago I first saw Conan. He was funny and I liked him. Then he kept being funny and I was like hell yeah I really like him. Later I found out it wasn’t just me, Conan did this with many other people.
Star Wars (1977): A wounded warrior overcomes severe burn injuries to build a massive empire only to see his estranged son destroy it.
(Someone finally shuts off a car alarm)
Philip Glass: (sticks head out of apartment window above) HEY I WAS LISTENING TO THAT
Authentic isn’t automatically good. You could be an authentic douchebag.
Just push go and let’s see what happens. Really, don’t worry I’ll go next. *Famous last words…
Me: Honey, where do we keep those legally binding documents our marriage is based on?
Her: You mean the mortgage papers?
Me: Yep those ones
I’m that bored in the house 🥺
#lockdownextension
you gotta turn your phone off when you fly in case an old plane text you and your new plane get jealous
Roses are red
Vodka is clear
Shit got wild last night
I should stick to beer
Have kids so instead of just having a peaceful morning you can argue with your 3 y/o about why he can’t lock his younger brother outside in the rain.
A journal of my lactose intolerance called Dear Diarrhea.
I put my pants on just like the rest of you, when the popo tells me to.
Romeo: …arise fair sun, and kill the envious moon
*Romeo slides an envelope of money over*
Romeo: *whispers* make it look like an accident
My son LOVES dogs and is TERRIFIED of them. Which is EXACTLY how I feel about my WIFE.
Boss: Have I made myself clear?
Me: No, I can still see you.
Boss: Shakes head.
I tell people I’m narcoleptic so if I fall asleep when they’re talking to me I don’t seem rude.
I went to the Army Surplus store and they didn’t have a single extra soldier for sale. Come on. False advertising much? Old Navy can take a flying leap too.
A minute, 45 seconds.
How long I’ll hold my hands under a restaurant faucet before I finally realize it’s not motion activated.
Against the wall, on the counter and bent over the couch are the places I like to stretch.
My 12 year old can explain the difference between a sociopath and a psychopath.
I think about that a lot when I’m trying to get to sleep.
I want what every guy wants: To be involved in a rooftop chase.
[a cat sitting in the sleigh impassively knocking presents out into the Pacific Ocean]
Rudolph: Santa Claws, NO
Normalize talking to people in the gym who have earbuds in, they love that.
I’m not saying I’ve gained weight, I’m just saying I don’t think my belt buckle should be facing the ground…
Every great and accomplished chef had to start somewhere.
Me *swallows pride*
Baby lion: holy shit